Right now I am teaching a very intense lecture in my speciality, as in I would say "I am a surfboard design specialist" and the whole class is in surfboard design.
I am walking up every week - sometimes every other day - at 2 am in a flat panic. My little bear brain is convinced that I'm doing a bad job (especially in the middle of the night) and is super anxious about it. I'm having stress induced migraines and I have a headache all the time and frankly I feel quite unwell.
And then there's the other FOUR whole goddamn classes I'm responsible for and inside my brain it feels like I have to run a half marathon every single day while people throw things at me and I keep dropping them (extremely heavy handed metaphor, brain! Thanks!) so every time I have to do something, more anxiety!!!!!! What if I'm doing it, but badly? What if I can't, really?
Only 9 more weeks. I can do 9 more weeks, right? RIGHT??
(Very deep breath.)
Showing posts with label Professoring. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Professoring. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Sunday, June 12, 2016
You Never Write, You Never Call
Dear Readers, there have been THINGS going on.
(I have three small children. There are always THINGS, frankly.)
I weaned Sweetpea two months ago; I have been either pregnant or nursing for seven of the last eight years. My health was most charitably described as not fantastic. I am now giving my health a year to recover from All That Stuff. (Also, a nice course of steroids and three kinds of antihistamines... yeah.)
I rage-quit the local LLL group after one round too many of "Food before one is just for fun!" Oddly, the WHO believes it is for not having fucking malnutrition. Apparently science is only for when convenient.
My lovely flower bed is almost too full of plants to plant anything else.
(I have started another, deer-resistant, one. There are worse problems to have.)
My part-time job has had Issues. I can't really talk about those issues. Let's just say, someone quit but is still hanging around, someone needs to be hired temporarily, the local accreditor threw their usual fit over 18 Credit Hours Of Thing (my actual PhD in science from fucking Snooty U may be insufficient qualification to keep first-year students from setting themselves on fire, and teach them titration, my hand to God). A somewhat unfortunate conversation left me with the impression that my work is not valued. This set off a round of my Screw You Reflex, which was already present due to Person Who Quit (I have applied for 6 jobs in the last 3 months).
Also, I've been engaged in fine round of reflection on "Is this what I really want to be doing with my life?"
I am an adjunct. I'm well-paid to do this, but there is no room for any kind of advancement, more pay, or even more work. How long do I want to do this? I don't know. Somewhere between one more year and five more years, but probably not more than that. Also, they still haven't told me if I'll even be teaching... in August. You know, in two months.
So! What am I going to do with my life? I have been working on it.
Here are the things I value: time to pursue hobbies like gardening; money; social interaction with reasonable humans; work that I feel has purpose; work that is interesting; work that has social value to me;
Right now, I have very little time not devoted to child-wrangling, and so only the social-interaction gets filled. That is necessary, but not sufficient. What would be sufficient? At least two. Time and social value would do, but that won't happen until the children are all in school. Otherwise, one needs to be money.
ADJUNCTING: Pluses: convenient, local, money per hour is good. Minuses: cap means my max earnings there ever will be ~30,000/year (for 15-20 hr/week of work for 9 months a year); will likely never do anything but intro chem; lack of professional respect*; nowhere to go; may limit future career prospects; unpleasant uncertainty until the last minute, apparently forever. Uncertain factors: New boss who isn't really the boss yet; nobody knows what is happening including new boss.** VERDICT: Form exit strategy for within next 4 years.***
SKIPPING TOWN: Pluses: literally anywhere else has more employment prospects. Minuses: we are near my parents, who are fantastic and make my life 50% easier; we live in literally the most beautiful part of the state; we have a nice house and a really good life; the local public schools are pretty good; a huge set of benefits including college tuition; Dr. S has a fantastic job with fantastic people, which he really likes and which is basically optimized in a lot of ways that are difficult to achieve. In essence, all parameters except 'acceptable employment for me' are met. Surely I can find something acceptable in the next four years?
WAITING IT OUT: Jobs do, periodically, come open at the colleges. (One for which I applied is now open AGAIN because the lady they hired instead of me... up and quit!).
MOAR EDUCATION: Pluses: there is an online course at Nearby Respected State University in computer stuff; this would probably make me more competitive for all the IT stuff. Would actually give me interesting useful skills. Minuses: Would still need to find something I could do remotely, or would have to commute 2+ hrs/day; or could wait it out for an IT job at local college (iffy!). Money for course (not excessive).
REALLY MOAR EDUCATION: I could go get a bachelor's in computer science and redo from start. While this seems ridiculous, if my knowledge/experience/credentials are doing me no good now, they are a sunk cost and it's time to move on. Pluses: I could be a programmer for real! More possibilities for remote work. Minuses: Time, initial investment, other programmers.
POSSIBLE JOB AT COLLEGE IN NEXT CITY OVER: I applied for an adjunct job there and the chair emailed me about a job opening up next year. I mean... really? There is no way. But let's pretend. Would I even want to do this? I DON'T KNOW.
POSSIBLE OTHER JOBS: Would need to convince various parties to employ me long-distance. Current job contacts work in defense (I am an honest-to-God pacifist) and education software (about which I know little). Would prob need at least the Moar Ed option.
I have no more time to reflect right now, but, More Thoughts Later.
* I am 'not competetive' for a 'real' faculty job because I didn't go do research at an R1 for 5 years after getting my honest-to-God research PhD. Which, fine, whatever, I wasn't willing to pay that price. But still: Academia, DIAF.
** We did have a friendly conversation the other day in which I said "If this continues to be one course per semester there will come a time when it is no longer worth it to me." (Implied: That time will be really soon.)
*** At which point Sweetpea will be in school and Dr. S will have gone up for tenure, which gives us both more latitude and time to deal with everything and, for many reasons, would make it easier for him to find another job if we have to burn it all down and move.
(I have three small children. There are always THINGS, frankly.)
I weaned Sweetpea two months ago; I have been either pregnant or nursing for seven of the last eight years. My health was most charitably described as not fantastic. I am now giving my health a year to recover from All That Stuff. (Also, a nice course of steroids and three kinds of antihistamines... yeah.)
I rage-quit the local LLL group after one round too many of "Food before one is just for fun!" Oddly, the WHO believes it is for not having fucking malnutrition. Apparently science is only for when convenient.
My lovely flower bed is almost too full of plants to plant anything else.
(I have started another, deer-resistant, one. There are worse problems to have.)
My part-time job has had Issues. I can't really talk about those issues. Let's just say, someone quit but is still hanging around, someone needs to be hired temporarily, the local accreditor threw their usual fit over 18 Credit Hours Of Thing (my actual PhD in science from fucking Snooty U may be insufficient qualification to keep first-year students from setting themselves on fire, and teach them titration, my hand to God). A somewhat unfortunate conversation left me with the impression that my work is not valued. This set off a round of my Screw You Reflex, which was already present due to Person Who Quit (I have applied for 6 jobs in the last 3 months).
Also, I've been engaged in fine round of reflection on "Is this what I really want to be doing with my life?"
I am an adjunct. I'm well-paid to do this, but there is no room for any kind of advancement, more pay, or even more work. How long do I want to do this? I don't know. Somewhere between one more year and five more years, but probably not more than that. Also, they still haven't told me if I'll even be teaching... in August. You know, in two months.
So! What am I going to do with my life? I have been working on it.
Here are the things I value: time to pursue hobbies like gardening; money; social interaction with reasonable humans; work that I feel has purpose; work that is interesting; work that has social value to me;
Right now, I have very little time not devoted to child-wrangling, and so only the social-interaction gets filled. That is necessary, but not sufficient. What would be sufficient? At least two. Time and social value would do, but that won't happen until the children are all in school. Otherwise, one needs to be money.
ADJUNCTING: Pluses: convenient, local, money per hour is good. Minuses: cap means my max earnings there ever will be ~30,000/year (for 15-20 hr/week of work for 9 months a year); will likely never do anything but intro chem; lack of professional respect*; nowhere to go; may limit future career prospects; unpleasant uncertainty until the last minute, apparently forever. Uncertain factors: New boss who isn't really the boss yet; nobody knows what is happening including new boss.** VERDICT: Form exit strategy for within next 4 years.***
SKIPPING TOWN: Pluses: literally anywhere else has more employment prospects. Minuses: we are near my parents, who are fantastic and make my life 50% easier; we live in literally the most beautiful part of the state; we have a nice house and a really good life; the local public schools are pretty good; a huge set of benefits including college tuition; Dr. S has a fantastic job with fantastic people, which he really likes and which is basically optimized in a lot of ways that are difficult to achieve. In essence, all parameters except 'acceptable employment for me' are met. Surely I can find something acceptable in the next four years?
WAITING IT OUT: Jobs do, periodically, come open at the colleges. (One for which I applied is now open AGAIN because the lady they hired instead of me... up and quit!).
MOAR EDUCATION: Pluses: there is an online course at Nearby Respected State University in computer stuff; this would probably make me more competitive for all the IT stuff. Would actually give me interesting useful skills. Minuses: Would still need to find something I could do remotely, or would have to commute 2+ hrs/day; or could wait it out for an IT job at local college (iffy!). Money for course (not excessive).
REALLY MOAR EDUCATION: I could go get a bachelor's in computer science and redo from start. While this seems ridiculous, if my knowledge/experience/credentials are doing me no good now, they are a sunk cost and it's time to move on. Pluses: I could be a programmer for real! More possibilities for remote work. Minuses: Time, initial investment, other programmers.
POSSIBLE JOB AT COLLEGE IN NEXT CITY OVER: I applied for an adjunct job there and the chair emailed me about a job opening up next year. I mean... really? There is no way. But let's pretend. Would I even want to do this? I DON'T KNOW.
POSSIBLE OTHER JOBS: Would need to convince various parties to employ me long-distance. Current job contacts work in defense (I am an honest-to-God pacifist) and education software (about which I know little). Would prob need at least the Moar Ed option.
I have no more time to reflect right now, but, More Thoughts Later.
* I am 'not competetive' for a 'real' faculty job because I didn't go do research at an R1 for 5 years after getting my honest-to-God research PhD. Which, fine, whatever, I wasn't willing to pay that price. But still: Academia, DIAF.
** We did have a friendly conversation the other day in which I said "If this continues to be one course per semester there will come a time when it is no longer worth it to me." (Implied: That time will be really soon.)
*** At which point Sweetpea will be in school and Dr. S will have gone up for tenure, which gives us both more latitude and time to deal with everything and, for many reasons, would make it easier for him to find another job if we have to burn it all down and move.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Hand-Holding, Or Not
This is the second year I'm teaching the same chemistry lab. It is an intro course for non-majors, and it is fucking boring. They spend an entire lab period measuring the density of water.*
I don't pretend the labs are riveting; instead, I tell them why we bother (to learn, for example, about how much confidence we have in our measurements, and what accuracy is, and why it is not the same as precision.) I have a brief lecture for every week, which summarizes what they're learning and doing.
However, they must also READ THE DIRECTIONS. I cannot prevent them from making every dumb mistake. There are detailed procedures for every lab! And some of them do, in fact, read the directions and do the lab correctly. Also, despite the fact that I offer to look over their lab reports before they turn them in,** only the very clever ones ever take me up on this, which ensures the clever ones get high As instead of low As, and the ones who really needed the help... don't ask for it.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm teaching them anything, or just applying punitive consequences for being, as my spouse says, 'bad at life'.
* Which is only 1 g/mL to a first approximation.
** Due at the end of each class period, before they leave. So they don't even have to come to office hours!!! AND YET.
I don't pretend the labs are riveting; instead, I tell them why we bother (to learn, for example, about how much confidence we have in our measurements, and what accuracy is, and why it is not the same as precision.) I have a brief lecture for every week, which summarizes what they're learning and doing.
However, they must also READ THE DIRECTIONS. I cannot prevent them from making every dumb mistake. There are detailed procedures for every lab! And some of them do, in fact, read the directions and do the lab correctly. Also, despite the fact that I offer to look over their lab reports before they turn them in,** only the very clever ones ever take me up on this, which ensures the clever ones get high As instead of low As, and the ones who really needed the help... don't ask for it.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm teaching them anything, or just applying punitive consequences for being, as my spouse says, 'bad at life'.
* Which is only 1 g/mL to a first approximation.
** Due at the end of each class period, before they leave. So they don't even have to come to office hours!!! AND YET.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Placeholder for:
- A very long summary of how I came to give my baby (some, as it happens, as opposed to all) formula; with FEEELINGS
- My students' latest train wreck, which makes me wonder if I am the worst teacher ever (probably not, two got 93% even though the mean was a 56)
- Lots of feelings about my health, or lack thereof, and the hopes that the nice ENT will help the headache I've had for.... 18 months
- Where Does the Time Go and Why Is My House So Messy, A Multi-part Lament
Also, in response to ongoing comment woes, I have switched all the comments to moderation, which should fix at least the LJ login problem (I tested it) and possibly also WordPress. Let me know. I mean, once I fish the comments out of the mod queue.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Miscellaneous
Here is a randomly assorted collection of thoughts:
Pregnancy is easier to handle without severe chronic pain and I don't care how grateful anyone is to be pregnant, nobody is grateful for feeling like roadkill all the time.
Tatoe is going through an intensely whiny/awful phase right now - yesterday he whined for six hours! I was counting! - and I am also not grateful for that.
I am now the Professor's Wife Who Adjuncts. However, it is Dr. Scientist, little students, so help me. (One advantage of teaching at Pseudo-Military U: they will all be very respectful.)
We are refinishing the floors in our new house, after which we will Move! In! I have packed NOTHING! Eeeek. (I am not refinishing floors. I take a fairly liberal attitude, but two gallons of mineral spirits is too much volatile solvents for a fetus, and I don't have a respirator.)
However, when people ask if they can help us move/ pack/ watch kids, I have now taken to saying "Yes! Thank you. How about next Tuesday?"
Pregnancy, strength, endurance, tiredness... my limits are smaller than otherwise, is what I'm saying. And I was just getting back to something approaching good health.
Related: I may smack the next person who gets worried about me lifting heavy things while pregnant because it might hurt the baby. I am 18 weeks pregnant. I don't want to move a house of boxes because then I will be exhausted, not because I'll hurt the baby. I have not broken my arms. I am pregnant, not disabled. (Climbing tall ladders is a different proposition. No ladders.)
SCHOOL starts in FIVE WEEKS! I can't WAIT to get rid of both my precious children to fine educational institutions.
Pregnancy is easier to handle without severe chronic pain and I don't care how grateful anyone is to be pregnant, nobody is grateful for feeling like roadkill all the time.
Tatoe is going through an intensely whiny/awful phase right now - yesterday he whined for six hours! I was counting! - and I am also not grateful for that.
I am now the Professor's Wife Who Adjuncts. However, it is Dr. Scientist, little students, so help me. (One advantage of teaching at Pseudo-Military U: they will all be very respectful.)
We are refinishing the floors in our new house, after which we will Move! In! I have packed NOTHING! Eeeek. (I am not refinishing floors. I take a fairly liberal attitude, but two gallons of mineral spirits is too much volatile solvents for a fetus, and I don't have a respirator.)
However, when people ask if they can help us move/ pack/ watch kids, I have now taken to saying "Yes! Thank you. How about next Tuesday?"
Pregnancy, strength, endurance, tiredness... my limits are smaller than otherwise, is what I'm saying. And I was just getting back to something approaching good health.
Related: I may smack the next person who gets worried about me lifting heavy things while pregnant because it might hurt the baby. I am 18 weeks pregnant. I don't want to move a house of boxes because then I will be exhausted, not because I'll hurt the baby. I have not broken my arms. I am pregnant, not disabled. (Climbing tall ladders is a different proposition. No ladders.)
SCHOOL starts in FIVE WEEKS! I can't WAIT to get rid of both my precious children to fine educational institutions.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Unsolicited Advice: Visiting Assistant Professor-ing
Here is a piece of advice that never occurred to me before the whole job-application mess this year:
If you are a visiting professor or instructor, and you are applying to academic jobs, and most especially if your present employer is hiring, make sure to call up all the department chairs/ heads of search committees and tell them how interested you are in their jobs (and why). Because otherwise they might assume that your own employer will surely hire you (even though this is the dumbest assumption ever - maybe you don't want to work there any more! maybe they need someone with a slightly different specialty! maybe you're doing a great job professionally but there is 'personality conflict' and nobody wants you to stay! maybe their search will be un-approved by the dean despite being approved in advance and they'll not hire anyone after all!* maybe WHATEVER!) and not even bother to interview you.
(My advice in general about visiting jobs is DON'T DO IT!!!! RUN AWAY!!! but obviously it worked out for my spouse - though nobody hires their VAP to a TT job - and your mileage will surely vary. And sometimes it probably is a good idea. The uncertainty made me batshit, though, in case you couldn't tell.)
*This happened to someone in my grad lab. He got an offer letter pending approval from the dean, and then he got a letter from the dean saying "Just kidding! No dice!" He had to go back on the job market the next year. It sucked.
If you are a visiting professor or instructor, and you are applying to academic jobs, and most especially if your present employer is hiring, make sure to call up all the department chairs/ heads of search committees and tell them how interested you are in their jobs (and why). Because otherwise they might assume that your own employer will surely hire you (even though this is the dumbest assumption ever - maybe you don't want to work there any more! maybe they need someone with a slightly different specialty! maybe you're doing a great job professionally but there is 'personality conflict' and nobody wants you to stay! maybe their search will be un-approved by the dean despite being approved in advance and they'll not hire anyone after all!* maybe WHATEVER!) and not even bother to interview you.
(My advice in general about visiting jobs is DON'T DO IT!!!! RUN AWAY!!! but obviously it worked out for my spouse - though nobody hires their VAP to a TT job - and your mileage will surely vary. And sometimes it probably is a good idea. The uncertainty made me batshit, though, in case you couldn't tell.)
*This happened to someone in my grad lab. He got an offer letter pending approval from the dean, and then he got a letter from the dean saying "Just kidding! No dice!" He had to go back on the job market the next year. It sucked.
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