Assertiveness Training (2)

Public Speaking, Or: How to be an assertive bitch and make people listen.

Stand up for yourself verbally. If you're talking, you're the only one talking. When you’re giving a presentation, draw attention to yourself. Nail people who’re being rude: side conversations are not acceptable. People talking over you is not acceptable. If people interrupt, interrupt them back. Some sample responses: That's an interesting discussion. Perhaps you'd like to continue it after my talk. Next question.; Excuse me. Would you like to hear what I'm saying?; Pardon me, could I finish?

Stand up for yourself professionally. Cultivate useful replies to put-downs and dismissals. If you’re talking about something, make sure you have a theory about what’s happening: a wrong theory is better than not having a clue. If you work in a belligerent group, think about what questions you’ll get and prepare answers in advance. Learn to respond quickly and assertively to destructive criticism: I disagree because; On the contrary, this is an important finding because...; That's true, but also, X is true; That's an interesting point, but not relevant; I tried that and it is technically impossible... and so on.

Stand up for yourself personally. Own and acknowledge your accomplishments. The correct response to That was a good idea or You did a good job is Yes. Thank you. I've been working hard. Not: Oh, well, I don't know, I guess so. You worked hard. Someone is complimenting you. You deserve it. Now say thank you.

Speak with confidence. If you're going to be wrong, do it in a loud, clear voice. Imagine you say it in a whispery quaver. For one, nobody will hear you; for two, they won't listen. Acknowledge when you're wrong, but either believe you know what you're talking about, or pretend. In most settings, you'll get more respect for being wrong in a loud voice than for being right in a quiet voice.

Be as mean to people as they deserve (but as some function of what you can get away with). If the next postdoc over keeps interrupting you, tell her to please be quiet/ shut up. (Or if you're feeling nice, 'Excuse me, I'm talking.') If some professor you're never going to see again says your results are crap, say that you have complete confidence in them and he's never even done the experiment and too fireplacing bad. Don't let a fear of offending others make you lay down and take it. Talk back.

Once you've made your point, it's not up for discussion. If you have made a factual statement and you know it's right and there is no point in talking about it- and I don't mean scientific discussions of hypotheses, I mean useless conversations- don't discuss it. Walk away from pointless arguments and annoying or overbearing people who are wasting your time. You said it. They heard it. That's it.

Practice, practice, practice. If these things don't come naturally to you- and they don't to many people, including me- practice. Talk to your mirror. Mutter to yourself as you walk down the street. Think of ways people are going to criticize your research. (This is generally useful anyhow because it tells you which experiments you should be doing.) Have a friend pretend to be a mean co-worker. Say these things out loud to yourself, and you'll get better at saying them to others.

Find a mentor. If you can, find someone who’s been through the battlefield before and who can offer the occasional word of advice on how to get by. It always helps to have a sympathetic and experienced ear. They've been there; you can benefit from their bad experiences.

Overall: Stand up for yourself. Focus on your own work. Present yourself how you want to be seen: intelligent, competent, and assertive. Value your own achievements, and do your best to make sure others do.

Other advice? Add to the comments!

Part 1 here.
Intro here.

(scientiae-carnival)

Assertiveness Training (1)

Or: Not That You Asked (But Bad Experiences Are So Educational)

Personal Assertiveness: Common Traps to Avoid

Assert your professional competence. Total ignorance comes off as weakness. Say ‘I don't know’ and you will be steamrollered. Scientists are aggressive, type-A people, overall. Have ideas, and present them. Always have a response other than ‘I have no idea.’ Say: That's interesting, I'll have to think about it; I can't recall the exact number, but I know it's less than ten; I'll have to look that up; That's a good question; I think X is happening, can you explain your theory.

Don't let people put you down. If your advisor says something negative- 'You were really struggling your first year' say 'I've been working very hard and I'm pleased with the results I'm getting.' If someone doubts your data, explain concisely and without apology why the result is X. Don't put up with it. You're better than that. Tell them so.

Don't put yourself down. Women (and, yes, some men) put themselves down too much. Don't start sentences with 'I'm sorry'. Don't apologize for things that aren't your problem and don't say you're sorry unless you did something to be sorry for. (Setting the fume hood on fire, throwing out someone's tube by mistake, or breaking expensive equipment: that, you're sorry for.) Stand up for yourself and speak like YOU believe you're competent. Even if you don't. You're smart, hardworking, and analytical. Don't lower yourself in others' eyes. They don't need the help.

Never volunteer for anything, unless a) it’s your job, b) you get something out of it (recognition, brownie points, money), or c) it has inconvenienced you personally. You are not the lab manager, the lab mom, or a tech. Your time is for your research. If it’s not your job, it’s not your problem. You’re wasting your time.

If you do something extra, make sure you get credit for it. Ask your boss a needless question about the equipment you’re having fixed; email the lab or announce in lab meeting that the incubator is fixed.

Avoid and be aware of stereotypes. The secretary files things. The janitors clean. The lab mom bakes cookies. The lab manager nags people to put stuff away. Don't act like them unless you want to be them. Be aware that if you bake cookies all the time, or listen to Whiny Coworker's woes for more than fifteen seconds, it will have an effect on your professional persona. Work against falling into the nurturing-female stereotype; you risk assuming a role where people will dismiss you professionally. Again, it wastes your time and effort.

Think about what you wear and how you come off. Look around. How do your co-workers dress? In science, usually jeans/khakis, button-down shirts/polos/t-shirts. End of story. Dress to fit in, or be aware that if you don't, you will have to work harder to be taken seriously. Be aware that wearing overly fancy clothes to lab is seen as 'not serious about working.'

Anyone else? Helpful hints for the young and idealistic?

Intro here.
Next week, Part 2: Assertive Public Speaking!

(scientiae-carnival)

Assertiveness Training (A Story About Me)

Or: Years of Anger Are Converted to Advice
***
Now announcing a new feature: Friday Advice! My epic-proportioned frustration with students who let themselves be trodden upon- and with the years I wasted underfoot- requires an outlet.

***
There are lots of things I wish I'd known before I came to grad school. One of them is how to choose a good lab. (Upcoming in Friday Advice!) Another is how to be a respected participant rather than a doormat.

In the last several years, I've seen a lot of young women, and rather fewer young men, suffer from not being very assertive. They get talked over, ignored, harassed, pressured, interrupted. It's as much fun as you'd imagine.

My lab, as I have mentioned, is a tank of pirhanas. I tried to be nice and polite. I never interrupted. I never hit back when people said mean, disparaging things about my research. At lab meetings, I cowered in the corner, occasionally offering a meek comment, lest they bite me.

I got saddled with chores that weren't my job. I was lectured on what experiments to do, when all I'd asked was where's the Saran Wrap. I got tired and angry and sad.

And then one day... I snapped. I was sick of being ignored and interrupted. I was ready to deck the next person who dismissed my professional, scientific judgment as 'just being negative'. Someone was rude to me, and I interrupted him back and said "This is what my data say. This is the answer. I don't care if you don't like it. End of story."

Once I decided that I wasn't going to put up with it any more, my frustration quotient went way down, and my colleagues stopped treating me like a punching bag. It's still an enormous effort to be on guard all the time, ready to hit back, but it's better than being put down all the time.

How did I learn these things? I don't quite know. A big part of it was I went and cried all over an acquaintance four years ahead of me, and asked her what to do, because she didn't take any nonsense. She gave me thoughtful advice, and I took notes. I watched other people. I practiced good responses in my head. I learned to take a deep breath before answering, so I wouldn't get flustered by attacks. I made up a set of stock responses and drilled out loud until I could say "That's an interesting idea, but I've already shown it's incorrect" without even thinking. I learned to trust my own judgment.

I still see people get run over. It especially frustrates me when young women do it. I want to shake them and cry "Don't put up with it! Grow a spine!" But I remember I was once like that, and they must learn. They must want to be assertive more than they want to be nice.

Nonetheless, when I get my dream job at the Women in Science and Engineering Leadership Institute, I will teach a yearly course on assertiveness for young women, in hopes of forestalling some of the agony. (A coworker of Mr. S is coming over soon for drinks and a preview course!) And what will I say? Tune in next week!

(scientiae-carnival)