Rookie move

Picture me, in my office at 7:43 A.M. I am about to grade stuff, so I email the class that the review video is posted, and also they can pick up quizzes outside my office.

Not 45 seconds - SECONDS!- later, a student pops up at my door like a Jack-in-the-box and asks for their quiz, which I am still grading because out has not been one single minute yet.

Me, internally: "What the FUCK."

(It's like this all the time. Six more weeks. Only six.)

This morning I went out to plant some daffodils and my ankle gave out and I fell into the creek- the rocky bit full of burs, not the muddy part full of algal scum- and twisted my knee *and* my ankle and anyhow, if anyone needs me, I'll be in bed doing my best Victorian Invalid over here.

Grading

I gave my first test in Surfboard Design last week. I was worried it was too easy.

So far every single student has gotten a set of three completely different things wrong so I feel confident it was reasonable.  Someone got the hardest question completely wrong, and someone else got it all right.

Also, causing them stress seems to offload some of my anxiety, which frankly explains a LOT about some people.

A Very Specialized Imposter Syndrome

Right now I am teaching a very intense lecture in my speciality, as in I would say "I am a surfboard design specialist" and the whole class is in surfboard design.

I am walking up every week - sometimes every other day - at 2 am in a flat panic. My little bear brain is convinced that I'm doing a bad job (especially in the middle of the night) and is super anxious about it. I'm having stress induced migraines and I have a headache all the time and frankly I feel quite unwell.

And then there's the other FOUR whole goddamn classes I'm responsible for and inside my brain it feels like I have to run a half marathon every single day while people throw things at me and I keep dropping them (extremely heavy handed metaphor, brain! Thanks!) so every time I have to do something, more anxiety!!!!!! What if I'm doing it, but badly? What if I can't, really?

Only 9 more weeks. I can do 9 more weeks, right? RIGHT??

(Very deep breath.)

Offered without further comment

In case your were ever considering teaching a 50% overload, let me tell you that my past self was clearly raving.  (It is now 100% too late to gracefully extricate myself, but I'm 20% done!)

At least it will help pay for the new roof! I hope to be in a nursing home before this house needs a roof replacement again.

Ten Minute Blogging

• Oh My, y'all. It has been a WEEK. 15 hours of meetings/ orientation, many of which featured a co-worker I have now dubbed The Mansplainer! An epic tech/ operational meltdown at my second job! My mom accidentally pissing off the preschool! I'm feeling panicked just remembering it.
• Good things: I weeded the preschool garden. I taught three darn good classes and solved a bunch of problems for wayward first-years. I communicated with friends. I cooked and picked fruit with my children. I helped a local new parent solve a big problem and it worked. 
• My full time job/ rest of classes start this week. What on earth was I thinking??!!!! (That it's only going to be Too Much for one semester.)
• We need a new roof.
• Our FSAs are all messed up.
• OMG.