Some good things

I have just applied for some jobs. It would be nice if someone would offer me a permanent position before we both have to threaten to leave.

I finished teaching all five (FIVE) of my classes.

I got my colleague teaching eval back and it was way more positive than I would have rated myself! (My eval of my own teaching that day would probably start, "I was nervous, I talked a little too fast, and everything felt on fire all the time, and not in a good way... ")

I've been getting final exams along with some really nice notes from students, including one from the student who had the hardest time saying how much they learned and how it was enjoyable (!).

And finally, it's all over but the grading!!!!

so tired

I can't believe that this semester has lasted for ten thousand years.

Five Minute Blogging: Life Updates

Things that are going reasonably well: teaching (I guess), keeping the children fed and clothed, skincare.

Things that are going just okay: second job, spending any time with my spouse, my neglected garden.

Things that are going exceedingly badly: finding a permanent job; Sunday school, which the other teacher is taking over as a result; the migraines; exercise (which... gives me migraines); mental health (AAAAAAAAAH); every single other thing.

Three more weeks. Only three.

Rookie move

Picture me, in my office at 7:43 A.M. I am about to grade stuff, so I email the class that the review video is posted, and also they can pick up quizzes outside my office.

Not 45 seconds - SECONDS!- later, a student pops up at my door like a Jack-in-the-box and asks for their quiz, which I am still grading because out has not been one single minute yet.

Me, internally: "What the FUCK."

(It's like this all the time. Six more weeks. Only six.)

This morning I went out to plant some daffodils and my ankle gave out and I fell into the creek- the rocky bit full of burs, not the muddy part full of algal scum- and twisted my knee *and* my ankle and anyhow, if anyone needs me, I'll be in bed doing my best Victorian Invalid over here.

Grading

I gave my first test in Surfboard Design last week. I was worried it was too easy.

So far every single student has gotten a set of three completely different things wrong so I feel confident it was reasonable.  Someone got the hardest question completely wrong, and someone else got it all right.

Also, causing them stress seems to offload some of my anxiety, which frankly explains a LOT about some people.

A Very Specialized Imposter Syndrome

Right now I am teaching a very intense lecture in my speciality, as in I would say "I am a surfboard design specialist" and the whole class is in surfboard design.

I am walking up every week - sometimes every other day - at 2 am in a flat panic. My little bear brain is convinced that I'm doing a bad job (especially in the middle of the night) and is super anxious about it. I'm having stress induced migraines and I have a headache all the time and frankly I feel quite unwell.

And then there's the other FOUR whole goddamn classes I'm responsible for and inside my brain it feels like I have to run a half marathon every single day while people throw things at me and I keep dropping them (extremely heavy handed metaphor, brain! Thanks!) so every time I have to do something, more anxiety!!!!!! What if I'm doing it, but badly? What if I can't, really?

Only 9 more weeks. I can do 9 more weeks, right? RIGHT??

(Very deep breath.)