Tuesday, June 30, 2015

In Response to My Spouse,

who woke me up at 3:11 AM to ask "Do you hear the baby?"

How kind of you to ask!  In case you were wondering, that is homicidal rage on my face.  Also there is furious weeping.  YES.  Yes, I have already gotten up three times with the baby- who didn't stop nursing until 10:15 and yes, I did try to unhook her - and NO I do NOT want you to wake me up right after I FINALLY manage to sleep through the screaming.

(Fortunately he did not wake me up again at 8 when leaving for work, which saves me the trouble of filing for divorce.)

(This is why I didn't want another baby.  While excellent and adorable in her baby way, Sweetpea does not grasp such important concepts as bedtime and I do very poorly on a year-and-counting of very little sleep.)

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Scientific Testing

Once in a while, I try some of the foods that are on the Nope list in the hopes that it will get shorter.  (Some things have gotten okay- in small quantities- and some have gotten better.  I no longer wheeze!  I just feel ill!).

Last night I tried wheat for the third time in three years. Survey says:




Monday, June 22, 2015

FMB: While The Children Mostly Sleep

Extremely Randomly Assorted Thoughts:


  • DEER.  Death to the little f!@%ers.  They keep eating my plants.  My plants are now enclosed in wire cages all across my yard.  I live in the city limits (barely) and cannot shoot them.  Despite being a pacifist, I would make an exception for these deer (besides, I eat meat).
  • Sweetpea is going through A Phase.  A sleeping-on-boob phase.  She does not want to nap, or fall asleep at night, or do anything but be on or near boobs.  This is extremely frustrating and I am very tired.
  • Tatoe is kind of learning to go in the f!@%ing potty.  We tied his rewards to the light fixture and told him he had to do his business in the potty to earn N stickers to get THIS THING RIGHT HERE.  Also there is enforced post-meal potty time.  It's... better?
  • Speaking of better my mastitis thing seems to be mainly gone, though it still hurts.  I continue to give Sweetpea a bottle every day, on the grounds of why mess with success.  She likes it.  She's also eating a little people food (I didn't exclusively nurse her six months!  OH NO! Whatever.  Note Norway's numbers; as Alice points out, most places give a little food before six months.  Screw you, AAP and your dumb recommendations).
  • Instead of mastitis I now have a round of this, which comes with a my-ear's-exploding headache for the last three weeks.
  • My middle sister's wedding continues to increase in intolerability.  My youngest sister's childish avoidance of pretty much everything continues to make me both sad and irritated. (She needs a new nickname.) I am still annoyed that I have to go to TWO of my middle sister's awful weddings and she had to go to ZERO of mine.  And possibly Sister 3 will not be there?  I can only hope.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Not Actually Nice

There's someone here whom I dislike quite intensely.  Let's just say she and her spouse have a lot of children and some precarious employment and an addiction problem.  But they vote Republican because they're good hard working Americans!  Welfare is only for white evangelical people like them!

These fine people are expecting another child shortly.  (EIGHT!!  While I hesitate to impugn anyone's longing for a child, perhaps one might stop at a number one can support?). The spouse has been kicked out of the house for using again and she's trying to solicit $10,000 to buy a car.

Well, you know, I'd quite like people to give ME $10,000, too.

Of course I did NOT feel moved to contribute.  But I did email the lady and ask if she'd like me to bring dinner by, because nobody deserves to go hungry.  Her response was no thank you, we're okay for now, but how nice and sweet of you.

No.  It was not nice.  I was offering solely out of my conviction that it was the right thing to do.  Acually I feel rather a worm of a human being to be praised for it because none of my feelings about this person could be described as nice.

However, I will still bring her dinner after the baby's born.   I feel obligated to be more charitable in deed precisely *because* I am less charitable in thought.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

People Keep Asking If I'm Enjoying the Summer

Dear Readers, my sweet children are driving me INSANE.  (No.  Daily average of four hours screaming.) Also, we were going to have AC put in, but instead we are having some unexpectedly-leaning trees removed, and it is over 80 degrees in my house by 9 every morning.

Tatoe is being forcibly potty trained.  He will be four in four months.  He is perfectly capable of doing his business in the potty- witness the epic battle of wills he had with my mother, wherein he spent three hours in the bathroom NOT pooping in the damn potty, but also tried to poop on the floor four times BUT DIDN'T upon being told he had to go in the potty.  He doesn't want to.  I have tried EVERYTHING.  Bribes, charts, rewards hung from the bathroom light, 'only big boys get to' (practically everything including leave the house), prunes, chocolate, special underwear, sitting on it for the usual pooping hour, pantslessness (this resulted in SIX incidents of me cleaning toddler shit off of practically everything, so NO, unless I get to put him in a toddler cage first) and all of the above at the same time.... you name it.  He doesn't want to.

I would let it go except what happens now is, every morning he does his business in his diaper and I have to change all his clothes and give him a BATH.  EVERY MORNING. While the baby screams and Bug loses it, usually.  This is even worse than the 20 minutes of wailing as Mandatory Potty Time starts.  Does it always have to be a choice between bad and worse?  Can't we have okay and better, sometimes?

I am seriously considering if someone I know will take him and potty train him while I watch their child(ren) for a week.  Because I am going to lose. MY.  MIND.

I know he'll figure this out before he goes to college but SO HELP ME 8 AM is too early to start drinking.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Dear new mom I met at LLL,

I invited you to our baby playgroup out of kindness because I remember how hard and lonely it is to suddenly go from working full time to a short maternity leave.

You took it upon yourself to invite four people - one of whom I dislike intensely, two of whom I barely know, and one of whom 'just isn't okay with the CDC vaccination schedule' to the house of someone YOU don't even know.  In addition, thirty seconds' thought would tell you that I have MET these people, and perhaps I didn't invite them ON PURPOSE.

It's true that two other moms invited one extra person each- people they know and I don't.  It's also true that they invited these people to their OWN homes.

Way to get yourself rapidly uninvited to, oh, everything in the future.  Learn some manners and a social grace or three.

Yours,

Don't Write And Don't Call


Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Finally, A Mental Pigeonhole for My Mother-In-Law

 Carolyn Hax, summarizing in two sentences why my MIL is so threatened by my dear spouse's non-negotiable boundary drawing and independence:

"It requires two kinds of letting go: on the micro level, where you let go of goofy outfits as kids learn to dress themselves, or of messy kitchens as kids learn to feed themselves; and the macro level, where you accept that your child might not reach adulthood believing what you believe, valuing what you value or doing what you expect.
This is what an insecure parent fears most — and that fear is the root of controlling behavior."

Just exactly so.  He turned out different and different must be wrong.  This is exactly why we do NOT get along: I take instant and forceful exception to her controlling behavior, and my instinct is to smash it down twice as hard as necessary.  This is also why I don't visit them any more.  His parents, his problem.