Monday, April 04, 2016

Why I Hate Cooking Dinner (Recipe: Really Good Moroccan Chicken)

Put  the children down for nap/quiet time/mama needs a break.

Realize that your meal plan says chicken and the chicken is frozen solid.  Dump chicken in pot of hot water for an hour. Then brown  chicken in 1 T  oops, glug glug, 1/4 c of olive oil.

Peel some mangy sweet potatoes you found in a drawer.  Look at them, then peel another. Chop into giant inch thick slices because you are in a hurry.

Realize that you have zero onions.  Gnash teeth.  The baby wakes up and starts crying.  Throw a cup or two of broth into the chicken pot along with two cinnamon sticks, some cardamom pods because who has time to grind them, and pepper.  Squash a couple tablespoons of coriander seeds and some fenugreek in a mortar, and throw it on top of the chicken along with a few tablespoons of mediocre pre-diced garlic because who has time to dice garlic. Leave simmering (covered) on low on the stove.  Hope the house doesn't burn down.

Toss your two screaming children in a minivan; pick up a third child (surly) and a carpool child (also surly).  Deposit carpool child, then take your three arguing, whining children to the grocery at 3:30 PM on a Friday.  Regret everything.  While you are there, remember that you have 24 hours to produce baked beans for 100.  Buy some chocolate.

Go home an hour later and frantically dice up an onion or two.  Saute until browned and slightly burnt; try not to set off the fire alarm or take off a finger. Feed the baby half the raisins you'd intended to use as she pounds on a stool and shouts 'Moah!' Take the chicken out of the pot, getting garlic bits everywhere.  Swear.   Throw in the onions, sweet potato, raisins, olives, chopped apricots, some more garlic probably, two drained cans of garbanzo, an inch of ginger root peeled and finely diced, and whatever else you feel like.  Stir; stick the chicken back on top and bake in a covered dish in a 325 F oven until the sweet potatoes are tender. Take out and cut up and debone chicken. (Put chicken back in.)

Serve to the accompaniment of whining children who will refuse to eat it even though they like every single ingredient.  Vow to never cook them dinner ever again.  Pour a glass of wine and count the minutes to bedtime.  Lather, rinse and repeat.


1 chicken preferably brined
An onion
Some olives (8 oz - mine were the $1.79 marinated pack from TJ's)
Golden raisins (4 oz)
Apricots (whatever size they come in- 8 oz?)
Sweet potatoes (5 medium)
Chicken broth
2 cans garbanzo beans
Coriander, cinnamon sticks, fenugreek, green and black cardamom
Ginger root
Dash of despair and salt tears


  1. Anonymous8:43 AM

    Chocolate. Yes.
    I actually still enjoy cooking as it usually works well in convincing H to actually take care of SB.
    She recently learned to say "moah" (well, the local version), too - and it's adorable until, you know.

    1. Unfortunately the spouse doesn't get home until 5:30 many nights and (insert boring schedule stuff here) so I have to cook before he gets home.

      They are very cute until the food throwing starts! (I still can't believe M is only a couple months older than my baby! Also I still can't believe I had another baby...)

  2. I have decided that dishes get washed and sometimes dinner gets started during my newly instituted TV hour, in which the children watch whatever on netflix on the laptop and I watch the West Wing in the kitchen (read: other side of same room) on my ipad. No statistically significant decrease in language skills or uptick in axe murdering or whatever. TV rules.

    1. One day L will be old enough to stop banging on the computer and I will happily park them all.

      Related: I get so annoyed when people are 'into real food' (what, as opposed to fake plastic play food' or 'trying to cook more because it's soooo healthy.' I would pay $1000 to be able to eat a damn pizza whenever I fucking wanted to.

    2. I know! In your copious free time, buy a smart tv (or a regular tv and a Fire stick from Amazon), attach it to the wall out of the baby's reach, and teach the tall one to use the remote to watch PBS kids. He'd pick it up quickly, I'm sure.

      If L is like C2 though, she won't be interested in TV until she's 2.

    3. Best reason ever for having a TV. We have a basic TV with a firestick. Easy to use! We set up a kid profile for our little one (tho we are the ones with the remote). When we really need to cook dinner and have a quiet minute, Super Why is there for us.


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