Friday, September 06, 2013

Religious Wackaloonery in the Rural South: A Guide

ANABAPTISTS, ASSORTED:  Identify by headgear.  See related guide to distinguish between bonnets, rigid caps, and various colors of kerchiefs (female) or varieties of straw hats and suspenders (male).  Frequently found in their native habitats of buggies or farmer's markets.  Curious, but possessing many useful skills such as ironmongery and woodworking.

BAPTIST, SOUTHERN:  Avoid contact until degree of bible-banging is assessed.  Be wary of impertinent questions such as "Do you have horns?" and "Do Jews really make matzah from Christian babies?"  

FUNDAMENTALIST, NONDENOMINATIONAL,  HILLS VARIETY:  Characterized by grubby children with bizarre names such as Hiram and Jochebed.  Back away slowly.

FUNDAMENTALIST, NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED:  Immediately identifiable in August by presence of females in long skirts wearing long sleeves and opaque tights, or other seasonally inappropriate clothing; also note deliberately frumpy sister-wife style clothing and long hair.  The male of the species is generally camouflaged as a regular guy.   Note: Do not self-identify as Jewish to these people if you have somewhere else to be.

LDS (MORMONS):  Identify by presence of many tall, neatly dressed, well-behaved children, or glimpses of sacred undergarments. Children are excellent playmates as long as they do not attempt to proselytize. Mostly harmless. 


  1. Anonymous3:04 PM

    You provide this catalogue as a former Orthodox Jew, right? 'Cause Your People can get up to some whackiness as well. You know, in the realm of clothing, in addition to the matzah out of babies thing. Is that one of the things your kids will eat, or are they all WE HATE CRISTIAN BABY MATZAH! Happy new year, by the way.

    1. Seriously. Look up "Hasidim kapporos" for some good times. My kids love matzah. It's like all the crackers they can eat! But not from babies. They're fishatarians.

    2. Also a streimel may have seemed like a good idea IN POLAND but I'm pretty sure wearing a giant fur hat, in Jerusalem, in August, is either a symptom or a cause of brain damage.

  2. I got to experience my first Hare Krishna parade earlier this summer, down Haupstrasse and ending up on the Marktplatz so we had a good view out our livingroom windows. Chalk one up to Germany over the Netherlands for "bizarre religious encounters".


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