Monday, March 17, 2008

Still Mad, Still Not An Academic, 2

I am angry that because I don’t fulfill Advisor’s notion of a proper grad student, I am being denied aspects of training that are mine by right. (Even when I ask, pester, or communicate until the email box overfloweth.) No matter what I do, no matter how much I ask or beg, there are still some things I can't have because I'm not a perfect peon. Well, I didn’t come here to be a tech. I came here to be taught how to be a professional scientist.

(I should add, some things I have found elsewhere, wherever I could get it.. But there are still some things- like my advisor's considerable expertise at X, Y, and Z- that I cannot get from others. Hence, angry.)

Along with not putting on a show, I am not good at playing games. I do what I consider reasonable and leave. Therefore I am punished for my (two days of vacation/ volunteering/ doctor appointment during lab meeting). Then I think, if I play the game only partly, if I come on time sometimes, if I work hard but not seven days a week, I still don’t get what I want, so WHY BOTHER PLAYING?

I realize that this is a very black-and-white view. I can’t ever get above a 5, but playing partly will get me maybe a 2.5. Never playing will get me a 0. But if giving in to crazy requests doesn't get me what I want, and not giving in to crazy requests doesn't get me what I want, WHY BOTHER. (My mother says I inherited this from Dad: being very bad at sucking up.)

The funny part is, I know Advisor does respect me as a scientist. He thinks I am doing good work and making decent data. This is only bad in certain ways. And it is only bad for an unknown but finite amount of more time. It still makes me furious.