Yente

Belle and I have just set up two friends based solely on the fact that they both live in Farthest Frozen North. In the same city, even. I have never met Belle's friend, and Belle has never met mine. Nonetheless! Single people beware!

Jewish Mother, here I come.

(We did enquire first whether they were amenable.)

All the nausea and misery (though still miserable) pales next to the news that a grad school classmate- not a close friend, more someone I know- has suddenly gone into labor at 6 months and her beautiful baby boy was stillborn. It is so terrible.

I wish... there were something I could do. I wish she and her husband were closer, so I could bring them a dinner every week, so I could at least be present for their grief. I wish this hadn't happened to them. I wish it never happened to anyone.

Overly Successful Stratagem

About four months ago, for completely obvious reasons (plus, he nursed for two hours every night) I decided that Bug needed to not nurse to sleep any more. So, as a first step, no more nap nursing: I started rocking him to sleep for his nap, then putting him in his crib.

About six weeks ago, I went out before bedtime for the first time in two years, and Dr. S rocked Bug to sleep. He was perfectly happy with this arrangement (Bug, that is) and let either of us rock him to sleep.

Then he became Toddlerous about the whole thing. "Go crib!" he would say. "No story! Lay down in a crib!" Okay, fine.

Tonight, I asked him, "Do you want Mama to read you a story?"
"No story," he said.
"Can Mama put you to bed?"
"Go in a crib. Dada hold you hand. BYE-BYE, Mama!"

Inane Theories

My favorite two of the week

1) Morning sickness is to prevent you from getting food poisoning! Yes. And those redheads in Ireland were selected for, too. I mean, maybe, maybe not, but just because something exists doesn't mean there was a selective pressure to have it.

2) "There is NO established safe dose of [whatever] in [some situation]" (where evidence exists to the contrary... everyone knows you can't establish a negative! Hah.) No established safe dose of alcohol at any point ever in pregnancy. Or.... no safe dose of radiation. Tell that to all the scientists with rad badges.

March Is The Cruelest

April, my foot: March should be spring, but is not.

Dear readers, I apologize for my utter lack of inspiration. I am suffering from perpetual nausea, and an overwhelming hunger for the strangest things (most of which I don't even like): tuna salad with pickle relish, for example.

I leave you to draw the obvious conclusions.

But Are You Sure?

I recently told my mom a true story: a friend's sister-in-law found out she was pregnant... at 37 weeks. With her third child.

"She went to all these doctors," I said, "and they asked 'Is there any chance you could be pregnant?' and she said 'No.' And not one of them did a test! Not ONE!"

"Once I saw a woman," my mom said, "and I asked her, is there any chance you could be pregnant? She said no. So I asked, well, have you had a hysterectomy, or are you using any birth control? She said no. Then how can you be sure? I asked."

"'I'm a nun,' the woman said."

So there you have it. The only two ways to be really, truly sure you're not pregnant.

Devil On Your Shoulder

Belle once told me that the voice of her conscience sometimes spoke to her in my voice, saying "And people in Hell want ice water!"

Dr. S is currently a postdoc. His boss is... well, unbalanced is a polite term for it- in a way that is not immediately apparent, but instead a joy saved for a few years' experience of her. The last experiment she suggested to him was something like this:

1) You are putting rubber balls in a bucket, punching holes, and adding water. The water comes out. Great!
2) For a control, you did not punch holes. The water stayed.
3) I want you to cut out shamrock shapes and leprechauns and see what happens to the water. It might not come out! YOU NEVER KNOW!

He is becoming increasingly disillusioned with academia and really, who can blame him?* So every so often he asks what I think about X, Y, and Z. After the last round, I have decided that 99% of all the advice I ever give people could be summarized like this:

Decide what you really want, what you're willing to sacrifice to get it, and what you're NOT willing to sacrifice. Example: I want to be faculty, but I will work no more than 40 hours a week, not 80-and-never-see-my-family.

Think about what happens if you don't get it, and will those sacrifices then leave you bitter, angry, and furious with the world? If so, don't make them. Example: My kid is five and I see him 30 minutes a day and those years are never coming back: FAIL.

Decide whether it's worth it to keep doing what you are doing. Example: I will give this one more year, apply for faculty jobs next fall, and then say, screw you all.

If it is, find something you can learn or get from the experience, and make it happen. Example: Hey! I will go learn to run, fix, and use mass spectrometers! That is marketable!

If it's not worth it to keep on... the classified ads are this way.

Tell your boss/ partner/ coworkers what your terms are. Firmly. Repeatedly. One more time, all together now. Example: I need this paper to be out the door in two months. I need you to choose which of these seventeen experiments are most experiment, because I can only do two. And I need you to actually READ THE DAMN PAPER, bitch. (The last part, maybe in the inside voice.)

If they don't like it, they can take a, repeat with me, long walk off a short pier. Example: Go to hell, I'm getting a job in industry. Take your grant and shove it.**

* Thanks, Amelie.
** I worked in industry; yes, I know what it's like. Also, someone in this lab walked away from a Damon Runyon fellowship to get away from the PI. Everyone together now: OUCH.