Sunday, July 05, 2015

Dear Sister,

Six weeks ago our PARENTS told me you're leaving the country.  Since then I called you 20 times and got one lame message back. On the land line.  I was, predictably, not home.  You didn't tell me when you were leaving, or why, or anything about it , or even if you're coming back for the so-delightful wedding.  As far as I can tell, you don't want to talk to me.  Maybe you were afraid I'd  be mad (I wasn't, though I'm righteously pissed off NOW) or sad or upset (yes). But instead you hid from your choices like a child lying about who knocked over the milk. All your magical thinking won't make this better.  Instead, you've left me to conclude that you don't care enough about our relationship to put any effort into keeping it up. Or maybe you just don't trust me enough to tell me important things about your life.  Or maybe you've decided I'm not important enough for you to take the time to tell about your life.  I know you're at our parents' house doing very little for three weeks and you still can't make the time to call.  You can't take the time to say goodbye to my children, who are completely bewildered by your leaving.  And I can't think of a single kind way to open this subject with you.  Either you're acting like a naive child, or you're trying to hurt me, or you don't care about me in this situation.

So good job taking your questionable but legitimate adult decision about your life and turning it into a relationship-destroying disaster. Keep up the good work and you'll save me a fortune in postage and phone calls!

-In all seriousness, I kep trying to write her an email and they all come out as "I don't know why you can't be bothered to talk to me your own self but... What the hell? Is this what you want?  You want to piss me the hell off and never talk to me again?  Do you even give a fuck?  I can't tell."

9 comments:

  1. Ouch. I'm sorry. I guess you could drive over to your parents' place, but... it'd be very understandable if you don't want to. If one of my brothers stopped talking to me, I'd hope one of the others could mediate or fill me in on what's wrong...
    I suppose you could send that email, the big caveat being that I don't know your sister. For some it could be a sort of wake-up call. And from what you write I'm not sure how much it could make things worse...

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    1. I'm completely bewildered. It's not like we had a fight and now this, everything was fine and now... Aaaaaargh. I did email her last night with the most neutral thing I could think of (Do you want to talk before you leave?) and.... We'll see!

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  2. I think I'd go for the bewildered, hurt email, designed to evoke guilt and a response. "Dear Sister, I love you, and I'll miss you when you leave, but I'd really like to visit with you before you're out of the country. Why are you avoiding me?" The neutral email was probably the right way to go, but if she ignores the first one, try the maximum guilt approach.

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    1. So far, ignoring the first one all right! Google tells me you're online, sister. I think I'm to Fuck If I Care. If she can't be bothered to talk to me I can just wrap myself up in indignation and call it a day

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  3. Lifeisnichtsimal7:52 PM

    Siblings
    wtf?
    Mine couldn't be bothered to tell me that no he didn't want the plane tickets that I was going to get for him to come visit his only nephews.
    My parents say it's because he was so "busy with work" which might have made sense if he didn't have time for a vacation in Hawaii.
    I figure we will have a relationship with his family if he gets married to his now girlfriend who is quite lovely. But otherwise I give up

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  4. Didn't you write a post about how you think this is a really stupid choice she's making? (Or is that some other sibling... ) Maybe she knows that--not because of something you've said, but because she's capable of guessing your opinion. If so, withdrawing from you may be self preservation. And there have been times when I've pulled away from my family, not because of things to do with them, but because of things to do with ME. I guess I'd advocate for preserving the relationship by assuming she isn't trying to hurt you, does care about you, but just doesn't have the something or other to see you right now.

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    1. Apparently she doesn't have the something or other to respond to a one line email right now, either. It's just bewildering. One month she was here, talking about Bug going up to visit her this summer, and the next month she was declining to talk to me, and there was nothing in between.

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    2. Also there's a distance- made of sanity!- between stepping back a little from a family member and pretending suddenly that a family member is dead for what could only be described as no reason. I'm talking about option B here.

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  5. I'm really sorry you're going through this. My mom and her sister have never been able to relate, even from when my aunt was a sickly baby and my mom was relegated to the place of "older sister who's in the way and will probably just make the baby sick", even though my grandparents never meant to put her in that place. Now that my grandma's gone, I won't be surprised if our side of the family and my aunt's side of the family just drift apart. There are too many decades of hurt feelings and suspicion, and I've never thought my aunt particularly wanted to try to develop a relationship with my mom, so if it's not going to just happen, she won't work at it.

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