Monday, February 15, 2016

How to Wean a Toddler

Have a blocked milk duct.  Cry.  Give the baby a bottle every day.  Baby eventually eats less and less from bottle. Taper off due to laziness.  Offer bottle again. Baby refuses and throws bottle across the room

Have a milk blister.  Cry. Get baby, now one year old, a straw cup.  Put milk in it.  Baby refuses and throws cup across the room.  Repeat with soy milk, goat milk, and all of these with sugar, honey, or malt syrup (just a little).  Baby refuses and throws cup across room. Everybody cries.

Have a milk blister that won't go away.  Put a bandaid with antibiotic on it every day.  Cry some more.  Offer the baby a straw cup with water.  Baby drinks quite a lot of water, but nurses just as much.

Continue to have the @#$%ing milk blister.  Decide to cut baby's nursing down slowly, starting with only nursing four times a day (wakeup, nap, after lunch, bedtime.). Do this for three days.

Baby catches a vile cold and has a fever of 102 F for three and a half days and refuses to eat food.  Nurse the baby allllll daaaaayyyy because she is sick and sad.

Just as she gets better, catch the vile cold yourself and feel extremely ill and headachy.  Lose all will to live/wean, plus all tolerance of screaming.  Nurse the baby seven times a day.



  1. So it's going well then?

    I'm pretty sure I weaned one of my children by leaving him with my mother for a week. Probably C2. Since I was home with him all the time, he wouldn't take a bottle and wasn't a fan of cow milk until he was weaned.

    Luckily, my mother is probably C2's favorite person and he was ok with the whole situation. Or if he wasn't, my mother didn't tell me about it...

    1. JUST GREAT.

      Mothers: the people who don't tell us how terrible our children were.

  2. How about this: Wait for spouse's spring break. Leave town. Let spouse deal with screaming baby and tiresome toddlers. Don't come back until baby is drinking some form of milk. Genius idea, amirite?

  3. Anonymous4:02 AM

    Ouch. It is painful just to read about it. I have a sort of recurring milk blister (if that's what it is), but fortunately it only shows up around Christmas, and well, most of the time it's not Christmas...
    I'm tempted to recommend vodka. The spouse/grandma idea seems safer though. Good luck.

    1. You'd think I'd be better at this by the THIRD time weaning a child.

      I prefer brandy overall. Vodka reminds me of lab alcohol too much?

  4. Belle5:43 AM

    Oh, Jenny, that all sounds so unpleasant! I'm sorry I can't come and whisk you away somewhere without any children in tow...

  5. Awww, crap. I go with the mother/spouse route out.

    I feel like crying even thinking about it.


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