Somehow, parenting with Sweetpea around - now that I can sleep some of the time, and have recovered most of my physical health - feels a little like redemption. I don't remember actually enjoying this stage with either of the other children, but she's just darling. It's probably all the things: a much better support network, the knowledge that a little unhappiness won't kill any of my children, and the fact that the oldest child is gone seven hours a day in kindergarten. It feels more graceful. It feels easier.
However, I got a blocked duct this week. Actually, I've had a somewhat-blocked duct for weeks, and it finally went into full-on OH FUCK. Not only does it hurt like the dickens, it's a herald of possible mastitis.... which, in turn, sent me into a full-on weeping breakdown. I kept saying that if I got mastitis, I'd wean the baby, but it turns out I'm bargaining with myself in my head. (Because that turned out SO well last time.) And... the doctor I see here, I don't actually trust to deal with this. Actually, on reflection, I don't really trust anyone to make it better, on the grounds that even an expert failed rather. So, fuck.
I'm glad Sweetpea is lovely, and that parenting the other two children has gotten comparatively easier. Hooray!
ReplyDeleteBut, you do know where the blocked duct is going. It happened with the other two kids. Sweetpea will turn out fine if she has formula instead of breastmilk. You might even be a better parent if you are not in constant pain from nursing and/or antibiotic side effects! You can weigh the benefits against the risks, and come up with a solution.
Hahaha, I just remembered that old chemistry joke. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I'm going to give kill it dead with all the things - fluconazole for all, nystatin cream, oral abx, topical abx, probiotics, vitamin d, heat, massage and possibly echinacea- for at least a round or two before I give up. We're at about thirty percent of full on chronic mastitis.... and she finally got the lip tie clipped so that was causing some of the problems too. But you're right, there will be a point of decreasing returns, followed by weaning if I can't kill it. Sigh.
DeleteKill it dead!! Awesome plan :)
DeleteAre you taking lecithin? It helped me clear up my one duct that was ALWAYS getting blocked.
ReplyDeleteGoing to, must hunt it down. There are only three stores here in town!
DeleteI'm happy to send you mine as it didn't make a difference for me... just let me know.
DeleteThanks, found some at hippie coop for five dollars/ 8 oz. Tastes nasty, doesn't it?
DeleteAll I can think is: OUCH! I can't even imagine. I think the Kill It Dead (TM) plan is the best one. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSIGH. I'm so sorry. I can imagine believing that weaning was the right choice but still not wanting to do it. It sounds like you're still committed to weaning if you can't kill it, and for whatever some random opinion is worth: I THINK THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT CHOICE.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you're able to enjoy some parts of this--that's tremendous.
I keep thinking, I'm fine, I'm fine..... FUCK ow no I'm not.
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