Student: Dr. Scientist, do you know yet which sections you're teaching next semester?
Me: I'm afraid I won't be teaching at all; I'll be otherwise occupied.
Student: Are you putting your own children ahead of us ?!?!
Me: Well, Mr. Smith*... you're less adorable than a baby.
*I call all of my students Mr. or Ms. Lastname. One, it's the South, and two, they all wear nametags with - you guessed it - their last names.