Thursday, March 28, 2013

Dear Old Friend,

I appreciate the wedding invitation.  It will be weird, as I haven't seen you in four and a half years, and  a) have never met your fiancée; also b) barely recognize myself from then. On the other hand, as we've known each other twenty-nine years, I suppose I should come. Can I not?  Can I go somewhere all by myself instead?

No?  Damn.

Also, my dear, you said the wedding would be in the fall.  'That will be wonderful', I thought!  'We'll be living a half hour away!'

JUNE.  JUNE IS SUMMER.  JUNE IS NOT THE FALL.  WTF.  JUNE.

In fact, it is the weekend BEFORE we were planning to MOVE ALL OUR STUFF A THOUSAND MILES.  If I sound a little shouty, it's because I've just rearranged the lives and schedules of six people so I can go to your wedding-  when I want to be alone, in a cabin in the woods, for a week.  Alas, Dr. S will not be coming, on account of the above; my father likewise, though he's a grinch.  So at least someone is happy.  But if I go outside to cry, it's because I wanted to be in a cabin, alone.

Normally weddings are cheerful, but my dear, this time?  I am depressed.   My marriage is suffering under the influence of a boatload of upheaval, perpetual illness, stress, and oh yes, MOVING A THOUSAND MILES.*  I see you full of hopeful excitement, and also wealthy and successful, and I'm perversely sad.

As your income is easily five times ours, I have no idea what to give as a wedding gift.  Anything I could make, you can buy a nicer one - and probably already have.  I'll make a donation to some charity or other, because I will be damned if I know what else to do.

And on that cheering note, I'll see you in June, dear, from the very back of the room, where I'll be chasing my tired, cranky, freaked-out-from-moving children up and down the aisles. Of course, if I'm lucky, later I can have a stiff drink while my mother chases them.

-J

*Nothing is wrong, we're just tired and sick all the time, and therefore have no energy or time for each other because keeping everyone alive eats it all up.  And, did I mention, MOVING A THOUSAND MILES???  I hope this will be a temporary situation... though it's been going on for a couple years at this point.  Remediation plan: toss children at my parents, run away, drink lots of bourbon.

6 comments:

  1. Your friend is clearly out of his mind. That, or they'd planned the wedding to be in the fall, but the only date available for their venue was in June. The donation gift is a good idea, most people already have more stuff than they need.

    One of these days, you and Dr. S. should plan a date and drop the children at my house. I particularly enjoy the quiet room at the library. Also, the peace of an empty house and a full bottle of wine.

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    1. I have no data, but personally, I vote for 'out of his mind'. Or his fiancee is.

      DATE NIGHT! WINE!!!!!!! Oh, gods. If only I wouldn't feel compelled to fix the baseboard trim or some other fool thing...

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  2. weddings are so much work. For the people involved. For the guests. What has this world come to when it is just so damn hard to host and attend a wedding. There is still time to opt for the cabin in the woods instead...

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    1. Hmm, if only I could persuade them to elope! I hear the bride's mother is... particular... so I give it long odds. But I told him I'd come (29 years, after all) so now I have to. Maybe afterwards I can go for cabin-in-woods-without children. I love them dearly, but also, I need a BREAK. (Four years. I have not left them for a single night in FOUR YEARS.)

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  3. Can you just lie? Say you are going and then claim food poisoning or something?

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    1. Ha! If only. I like his mother too much to lie to her. Too late now!

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