Friday, October 07, 2016

Summer of My Discontent, State of the Self, Etc.

WORK:  Hey, my job is... boring.  Easy, but also boring.  By the third time around with the same lab, I am really a little tired of it.

I continue to look for Another Job.  There continue to not be Other Jobs here.

The downsides of adjuncting - the unpredictability has been much improved by New Chair - are that it never changes, and there's nowhere to go, professionally speaking.  How many years in a row do I want to do Intro Chem Lab?

(Although the biology department wants me too and there is room for something different, eventually. Still.)

SELF: I have had a headache for 106 of the last 110 days.  It's maybe getting better.  I think.  Maybe not.  Here, let me make you a chronic pain scale:

0: Feel like a normal human being.  Stabbing chronic pain?  What's that?  Also puppies, kittens, unicorns.
1: It hurts like I whanged my elbow on something, or stubbed all my toes.  But not quite all the time.
2: It hurts all the time.  I can ignore it for multiple hours at a time!  Possibly I can sleep!  (With drugs.)
3: I can ignore the pain for an hour at a time.  The laundry mountain is growing and the kids are eating Cheese on Bread two meals a day.
4: I cannot ignore the pain at all, and the spiders are taking over the basement.  Getting the mail is a challenge.  It hurts to move.
5: At least 2 hours/day of laying in bed, considering sticking myself in the head with a small knife. I cry when the children touch me.
6: Considering a larger knife.  I scream when the children touch me.
7: Seriously considering throwing self under the next passing large truck.
8: Would throw self under truck, but it hurts too much to get out of bed.
9: Would like to die imminently.
10: Can only lay in bed weeping.  Can barely get up to go to the bathroom.  No quality of life, would prefer to be dead RIGHT NOW.

It's at least a 4 or 5 every day.

(I am not actively suicidal.  But also, is my pain adequately controlled?  AH HA HA HA NO.  My otherwise-excellent PCP suggested that I might be at risk of opioid addition*.  I take 2.5 mg of opioid per DAY.  No.  Though partly I take that little because I fear that doctors will not prescribe me enough adequate pain relief NO REASON.)

I've run out of ETC.  Happy Friday!

 "Rates of opioid abuse or dependence diagnosis ranged from 0.7% with lower-dose (≤36 MME) chronic therapy to 6.1% with higher-dose (≥120 MME) chronic therapy..."

1 comment:

  1. That's horrible. I think I'd be making a much bigger fuss over much lower chronic pain, and certainly not working during that. On the upside, working gets you some time away from the children.

    Is the chronic headache really due to allergies? Does the doctor have any other suggestions besides "don't take too much pain meds?" Geez, acupuncture or something.

    Your situation is NOT OK.

    I would sympathize more, but kids need attention. Pesky creatures, they're lucky they're cute.


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