1) Per the excellent advice of my predecessor in the lab-instructor job (she now works with my spouse) I made sure to be very nice and respectful to the department secretary. In return for me treating her like a human being, she offered to print out all 145 pieces of paper that I a) need for Tuesday and b) cannot print out because I cannot LOG IN to anything yet.
2) The second day of orientation, I got to see the department chair's eyes bug out as he realized I'm pregnant. (State school + none of their damn business + I'm due after the semester ends and have two 40-week children = I didn't say a word.) It was like a little cartoon thought bubble of "I can't say anything. Oh, ye gods, is she pregnant? I think she's pregnant. I can't ask. Fuuuuuuck." (I did tell all the other faculty members that yes, I am pregnant, but no, I am not due until the end of December, so don't freak out. My favorite response was, "So... I guess you won't be back next semester." By which dude meant, now we have to find someone else to teach all those labs, fuuuuuuuck.)