For the last several weeks I've been having all kinds of weird food reactions. It's miserable and aversive to be in pain every time you eat anything, so I lost 5% of my weight in about a month, not on purpose. (It's frightening to be so little in control of one's body.)
Last month I was out gardening with my friend C. It was a very, very hot, sunny day. I stood up too fast and got very dizzy, and she said ..... "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" "NO!!" I said. However, later that day, I discovered her words to be prophetic.
(I would like to specify, purely for the sake of my pride/ not looking like a total idiot, that I had a functioning Mirena hanging out in my lady bits for A WHOLE YEAR, doing its job. Right up until... oh, a bit before April Fool's Day.)
Words can hardly express how upset I am about this. Imagine a great deal of screaming. Then more.
My health is precarious- of course! - which is why I took RELIABLE steps to prevent this (except not reliable enough). I am physically miserable. I wake up in pain five times a night or more. I have no expectation of this improving in the next several months. Contemplating unrelieved chronic pain is extremely depressing.
This is the equivalent of a tornado upending our next year's plans. Many choices have been pushed from 'eventually' to 'now run around and panic.' I have exactly two infant things left- the most adorable of the baby clothes - because I GAVE IT ALL AWAY. I feel extremely dumb, like I don't know where babies come from or something. (This article: giant irony klaxon.)
I am still interviewing for a job, which makes the whole situation even more complicated. The nature of the job means I should probably tell them before I accept any offers, because the hiring committee is made up of the job's direct supervisors (this deserves its own post, possibly after I finish interviewing). And, of course, maybe they won't hire me! Stultifying in a tiny town with a newborn sounds like a fantastic recipe for misery; taking a new job with an infant (again!) sounds... I don't even know.
The few people I have told (see also: nearly fainting in their gardens) say 'Congratulations!'* and I want to scream "NO!!!! THE OPPOSITE OF CONGRATULATIONS!!!" - clearly, in any event, I should wait to tell people until I can stop bursting into tears every time.** For various reasons, my spouse and I are choosing to continue with this pregnancy, but how I wish it could have gone to someone who wanted one.
The only bright spot: Dicletin is back on the US market. So now I only feel like throwing up a quarter of the time.
*I do realize this is the only socially acceptable response.
** Today, I did tell someone who found herself unexpectedly pregnant at age 46 - three years ago - so at least she knows exactly how I feel. Her youngest kid - the older ones are almost 30 now - and my kids are best pals.