Dear Grad School,

I congratulate you on emailing me so many times that I actually filled out your five-years-post-graduation survey.  However:

• Your technological ineptitude amazes.  You have my email and you know when I graduated... but you couldn't auto-populate my name?  You've never heard of conditional responses?  Also known as if-then statements.
• You also have my survey response.  And yet you mailed me a paper copy.  Please consult the year 1995 for what a mail merge is. 
• Radio buttons for ethnicity.  FFS.  PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN ONE ETHNICITY AT A TIME.  
• Am I employed?  No, but I have been employed.  It happens.  Perhaps you should not then terminate the survey without asking, say, why I am not employed, or where I have been employed.
• Median biomed postdoc is at least five years; therefore your survey is useless for scientists.  Also, technically, postdocs with fellowships are not 'employees',* and receive stipends 'not in consideration of work performed', but presumably just for showing up.  Haven't you heard?  

But thanks for your ineffective attempt.  We really appreciate appearance over substance.

P.S.  No, JESUS, I am never, ever, ever giving you money.

*Except when they are.