So Many FEEEEEELINGS

I keep applying for jobs and having All The Feelings about it.  Usually they consist of "Wait!  Do I really want a job?  Do I really not want a job?  Do I merely fear and loathe change?  Would I be terrible at this job? I just don't KNOW.  Oh, WHY did I hit 'submit'? Fuck fuck fuck."

The latest:

A full time Bicycle Company related job, which actually sounds dead fucking boring, the equivalent of assembling bicycle chains 20 hours a week, answering helpdesk-style questions 10 hours a week, and dealing with miscellaneous actual problems the other 10 hours.  90 minutes away.  I phone-interviewed for it, because my spouse thought I should and I didn't think it would hurt anything, but there is pretty much no way I would take it.  (I applied during that unfortunate week in December when my spouse was going to be unemployed, and they might get around to on-site interviews in April.  Or May.  They're not sure. Academia, there is so much wrong with you.)

A technology job, part-time, gofer/peon level, at Mountain U, that anyone with a moderate level of tech competence could do.  The interviewers' questions seemed to indicate some serious doubt that I would make a good peon, long-term, as opposed to getting completely bored after, say, my youngest child goes to school.  The phrase they used was "a lot of jobs where you were calling the shots".  I kind of want it anyways, but they do have a point.  Also I'm 99% sure they've already offered it to someone else and are holding me in reserve as second choice, which is why I have heard nothing despite the fact that I know they've already decided.  Additional awkward:  the supervisor is in my knitting group.  Of course!  It's a small town!  [I just got a call: yep, offered to someone else.]

A full-time job as the person running a campus religious organization (you can interpolate - I really, really don't want this to come up on Teh Googles).  Surprisingly, aside from asking people for money, I actually have every qualification they want (publishing, religious involvement and leadership, community service, living on small campuses, academic experience).  I am equally depressed by the prospects of getting and not getting this job.  What is wrong with me?  One of the high-up administrators is on the board of this campus-religious-organization AND is in my spouse's department (she's on leave to the admin side) AND asked my spouse three times if I was sure I didn't want to apply.  If they offer it to me and I want to decline, I'm going to have to make up a really convincing excuse. And they're offering a reasonable salary range, at least in theory near a quantity I might accept.  And I'd probably be pretty good at it.  I don't know if I'm ready to go back to work.  Hell, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go back to work.

(Here is where I must insert the obligatory reminder that this is a very, very small town, and therefore each job opening that comes up is essentially unique and will not come up again in that form, and so I do really have to consider if I would like, be good at, and/or desire that job under any conditions at all.  Of course there will always be something, but there will most assuredly not be that again.)

It's a specialty of the house to freak out in advance so that, when things actually happen, I can deal with them in a calm and reasonable fashion (usually).  So I'm going to take a deep breath, repeat over and over "Everything will be okay one way or another and it's always better to have choices", and go lay down on top of a heating pad again.