I keep applying for jobs and having All The Feelings about it. Usually they consist of "Wait! Do I really want a job? Do I really not want a job? Do I merely fear and loathe change? Would I be terrible at this job? I just don't KNOW. Oh, WHY did I hit 'submit'? Fuck fuck fuck."
A full time Bicycle Company related job, which actually sounds dead fucking boring, the equivalent of assembling bicycle chains 20 hours a week, answering helpdesk-style questions 10 hours a week, and dealing with miscellaneous actual problems the other 10 hours. 90 minutes away. I phone-interviewed for it, because my spouse thought I should and I didn't think it would hurt anything, but there is pretty much no way I would take it. (I applied during that unfortunate week in December when my spouse was going to be unemployed, and they might get around to on-site interviews in April. Or May. They're not sure. Academia, there is so much wrong with you.)
A technology job, part-time, gofer/peon level, at Mountain U, that anyone with a moderate level of tech competence could do. The interviewers' questions seemed to indicate some serious doubt that I would make a good peon, long-term, as opposed to getting completely bored after, say, my youngest child goes to school. The phrase they used was "a lot of jobs where you were calling the shots". I kind of want it anyways, but they do have a point. Also I'm 99% sure they've already offered it to someone else and are holding me in reserve as second choice, which is why I have heard nothing despite the fact that I know they've already decided. Additional awkward: the supervisor is in my knitting group. Of course! It's a small town! [I just got a call: yep, offered to someone else.]
A full-time job as the person running a campus religious organization (you can interpolate - I really, really don't want this to come up on Teh Googles). Surprisingly, aside from asking people for money, I actually have every qualification they want (publishing, religious involvement and leadership, community service, living on small campuses, academic experience). I am equally depressed by the prospects of getting and not getting this job. What is wrong with me? One of the high-up administrators is on the board of this campus-religious-organization AND is in my spouse's department (she's on leave to the admin side) AND asked my spouse three times if I was sure I didn't want to apply. If they offer it to me and I want to decline, I'm going to have to make up a really convincing excuse. And they're offering a reasonable salary range, at least in theory near a quantity I might accept. And I'd probably be pretty good at it. I don't know if I'm ready to go back to work. Hell, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go back to work.
(Here is where I must insert the obligatory reminder that this is a very, very small town, and therefore each job opening that comes up is essentially unique and will not come up again in that form, and so I do really have to consider if I would like, be good at, and/or desire that job under any conditions at all. Of course there will always be something, but there will most assuredly not be that again.)
It's a specialty of the house to freak out in advance so that, when things actually happen, I can deal with them in a calm and reasonable fashion (usually). So I'm going to take a deep breath, repeat over and over "Everything will be okay one way or another and it's always better to have choices", and go lay down on top of a heating pad again.