Wednesday, March 26, 2014

So Many FEEEEEELINGS

I keep applying for jobs and having All The Feelings about it.  Usually they consist of "Wait!  Do I really want a job?  Do I really not want a job?  Do I merely fear and loathe change?  Would I be terrible at this job? I just don't KNOW.  Oh, WHY did I hit 'submit'? Fuck fuck fuck."

The latest:

A full time Bicycle Company related job, which actually sounds dead fucking boring, the equivalent of assembling bicycle chains 20 hours a week, answering helpdesk-style questions 10 hours a week, and dealing with miscellaneous actual problems the other 10 hours.  90 minutes away.  I phone-interviewed for it, because my spouse thought I should and I didn't think it would hurt anything, but there is pretty much no way I would take it.  (I applied during that unfortunate week in December when my spouse was going to be unemployed, and they might get around to on-site interviews in April.  Or May.  They're not sure. Academia, there is so much wrong with you.)

A technology job, part-time, gofer/peon level, at Mountain U, that anyone with a moderate level of tech competence could do.  The interviewers' questions seemed to indicate some serious doubt that I would make a good peon, long-term, as opposed to getting completely bored after, say, my youngest child goes to school.  The phrase they used was "a lot of jobs where you were calling the shots".  I kind of want it anyways, but they do have a point.  Also I'm 99% sure they've already offered it to someone else and are holding me in reserve as second choice, which is why I have heard nothing despite the fact that I know they've already decided.  Additional awkward:  the supervisor is in my knitting group.  Of course!  It's a small town!  [I just got a call: yep, offered to someone else.]

A full-time job as the person running a campus religious organization (you can interpolate - I really, really don't want this to come up on Teh Googles).  Surprisingly, aside from asking people for money, I actually have every qualification they want (publishing, religious involvement and leadership, community service, living on small campuses, academic experience).  I am equally depressed by the prospects of getting and not getting this job.  What is wrong with me?  One of the high-up administrators is on the board of this campus-religious-organization AND is in my spouse's department (she's on leave to the admin side) AND asked my spouse three times if I was sure I didn't want to apply.  If they offer it to me and I want to decline, I'm going to have to make up a really convincing excuse. And they're offering a reasonable salary range, at least in theory near a quantity I might accept.  And I'd probably be pretty good at it.  I don't know if I'm ready to go back to work.  Hell, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go back to work.

(Here is where I must insert the obligatory reminder that this is a very, very small town, and therefore each job opening that comes up is essentially unique and will not come up again in that form, and so I do really have to consider if I would like, be good at, and/or desire that job under any conditions at all.  Of course there will always be something, but there will most assuredly not be that again.)

It's a specialty of the house to freak out in advance so that, when things actually happen, I can deal with them in a calm and reasonable fashion (usually).  So I'm going to take a deep breath, repeat over and over "Everything will be okay one way or another and it's always better to have choices", and go lay down on top of a heating pad again.

10 comments:

  1. But think of the advantages of a job: money for childcare! You love your children, blah, blah, blah, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. You might actually enjoy their company after a day at work. And, if it's an academia job, I'm guessing the vacation time is pretty reasonable. You can always do fruit things on the weekends.

    Bonus: If you end up really not liking the job OR working in general, it's not a lifelong commitment. Quitting is ok.

    Everything really will be ok, one way or another.

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    1. I am clearly going through an AMBIVALENT ABOUT EVERYTHING phase. Except that one house we wanted to buy. I was not ambivalent.

      Weekend fruit. Spouse would like that because it might limit the damage!

      Delete
  2. I totally hear you - I'm the same way! I go through all the possible scenarios before making any decisions (and forever after!). I hope something works out soon!

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    1. I hear that's a totally reasonable way to process potential decisions. Right???

      Delete
  3. MULTIPLE POSSIBLE JOBS IN TINY TOWN! And who says a PhD is good for nothing!

    I agree that you are unlikely to make a good peon. I'm happy to hear there's one option that you think you'd be good at. I guess that doesn't translate to "enjoy", but loads better than dead fucking boring and peon. I applaud your "catastrophize ahead of time" plan, but it also seems like a period of HIGH STRESS, LOW RESERVES (you know, with the feeling like ass for years on end), so if you're like me, everything is harder and more depressing and horrible. Here's hoping that in a few months you're writing about how glad you are you did/didn't take one of these jobs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm going to have to remember that high-stress-low-reserves thing because it's totally true. Sometime I will have to bore you again with more complaining about my crappy health.

      Apparently a PhD is mostly good for people telling me I'm a big ol' bossyboots (well, it's true). Dead fucking boring: def. out.

      Delete
  4. I'll cross my fingers for an outcome that makes you happy. Even though I'm not entirely sure what that is...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I hope so too! It's... a process.

      Delete
  5. I vote getting religion. No to terrible commutes for boring jobs, and you will get bored as hell of job two and end up autoclaving some snotty student. Religion job sounds interesting, varied, and, in your present cultural milieu, a fine opportunity to feel a little... Country cultural. (that was supposed to say counter. This device thinks it's funny.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interestingly, there is another potential job that *does* involve autoclaves, but someone would have to retire first. I kind of want it, but there's a real risk I'd stuff someone head first into the dishwasher one day. (Country cultural is just about perfect for here.)

      Delete

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