Three years ago, I walked out the door at Bicycle Company with my stuff in a box, and I've been housewifeing it up ever since.
Some days it's fantastic. Other days.... I'm sitting in the basement thinking what the hell happened.
I have traded everything else (money, intellectual stimulation, income, independence) for freedom to do as I please- provided it can and will be interrupted, at any moment, by small children. I've traded smart, though often difficult, co-workers for mommy-friends* and being stuck at home with a wee, napping toddler.
Some parts are wonderful. Sitting with Tatoe as he runs around the corner, plays peekaboo, and then says "Kiss mama!"? Fantastic. I've read about 900 books (no, really, I have); I've learned to knit; I've made a couple of good, lasting friends. Bug is pretty fun to be around, sometimes. I'm a little more patient, a lot more efficient, and more tolerant of the constant interruptions. I have a sweet little garden, a pretty house, and everything I really need. We go to the parks and kick around balls and investigate cattails and throw things in the stream. We go sledding and build igloos and bake cookies together. Also, I have health insurance.
Some parts are not wonderful. Lingering chronic problems that won't go away, that leave me with weeks- or months-long pounding headaches. (Surgery, here I come!) I wake up in pain several times a week. Bug has started hitting (FOUR!). I am really fucking tired of being poor. No, really, I cannot express how tired I am of being poor, and if only I had a job, we would be quite well off. I want a break. I want time with my spouse. I want enough energy to want time with my spouse.
On the other hand, we are moving close to family, and I will be leaving my kids with the grandparents. I will be looking for a job. I have weaned the child, which will take care of one set of chronic problems and will let me to take the good drugs** for another set. And winter is almost over. It feels like it takes forever for things to change - and it does take forever - but, slowly, it's getting better.
* Mommy-friend: Someone with whom you are friendly because you do not loathe each other, your children do not loathe each other, and you live close to one another; someone you might not otherwise care to know; usually possessing a fatal flaw such as vaccine denialism, a bizarre adherence to homeopathy, or a spouse with whom they terminally do not get on or who is a complete ass. Distinct from Real Friends, whom one actually likes.
** Fluoroquinolones, which may cause permanent cartilage damage in infants. Although Cipro might be okay, but I think I'd only take it if I'd been exposed to anthrax. I've taken a lot of drugs in the last five years, and they were all safe, but these exceed my parameters.
Here's hoping that things will change for the better soon!
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping!
DeleteI took Levaquin (brand name for levofloxacin) before I had read all the warnings. Didn't like how I felt while on it (high is the best way to describe it) and like you, the warnings associated with the class of antibotics exceeds my comfort level, so I told my doctor I won't take any of them unless there are NO other options.
ReplyDeleteI'd be okay with the side effects in ME, but the permanent damage to my kiddo? Not so much.
DeleteI don't think I've said yet how INTOLERABLY AWFUL the chronic problems sound. I think I'd be dead for sure. I'd murder myself. Meanwhile, I'm really excited that things are changing for you guys. It sounds like it's time for something new, and like this will be quite an adventure!
ReplyDeleteI'm getting BETTER! I THINK I'LL GO FOR A WALK! I think... being sedated and having someone drill out my sinuses actually sounds attractive. Especially the narcotics afterwards.
DeleteAdventure! Yes! Lots of adventure. Did I mention there's an orchard AND WINERY nearby? Along with a PYO berry farm AND YARN STORE. It's like all of my favorite things collided.