Monday, August 06, 2012

Summer of My Discontent

(Written, oh, a year ago, and still true.) 

As you may have gathered, Dr. S really wants to leave his lab.  Any time now.  And I really want to go live in Virginia.  He still mostly wants to be an academic; I still mostly want to be a housewife.

Getting an academic job within a 400-mile circle is practically impossible.  However, if I wanted a job in my hometown, I could find one in about five minutes.  You see, their biggest transport company has a huge contract with with my former employers, the bicycle company.  I used to be the person telling them how to solve all their problems.*  Also, I would get paid a bazillion dollars and work reasonable hours.**  They might even hire me part-time. 

Most days, I want to stay home with the tots, never turn on a breast pump again, bake cookies, read books, feed the goats at the zoo, watch construction equipment.*** But it's hard to have this big problem in our lives, and know that, if only I would change my mind, it would all be solved.

Except it wouldn't be solved, because it's not the choice I want to make.  I would like it, and I would hate it.  I would miss the babies.  I would be tired and stressed again. 

If I were a little less useless and watermelon-feeling, it wouldn't be such a big deal.  But as a housewife, I'm largely a failure.  I mostly have dinner ready-ish when the spouse gets home; I hate cleaning, so I don't.  I read a lot and do whatever the hell I feel like (within very narrow child-delimited parameters).  Add in a new baby and it's going to be Tornado, With Pasta, Central around here. [Ed.: Now I feel like a fat slug instead of a watermelon.  And it's more like After Big Thunderstorm, With Pasta, Central.]

It's partly the pregnancy.  I feel so exhausted that I wonder if I should plan more structured things for Bug, but don't.  I mean, we go lots of places (playgroup, library, zoo, farmer's market, swim lessons, park, museum) and do lots of things (baking, reading, gardening, drawing, walks, goat-feeding), but I don't do Two-Year-Old Educational Time as a formal thing.  On the other hand, he talks, has pretty good fine motor control, follows directions (sometimes), can count to ten (now twenty!), knows all his colors, is potty trained, and sleeps 10 hours in a row every night; what more do I want? [Ed.: Um... we still do the exact same things all day.  Except I'm not pregnant.]

I feel so helpless and out of control.  I feel cranky and, paradoxically, like if I were running something professional, I'd feel better.  (Probably, I'd just feel more exhausted, and my house would be dirtier.)

I don't really have a point.  I'm just full of angst. 




*Actually, I was that person for the second-largest transport company in the country.  Which is about ten times the size of this one.  I do not exaggerate. 


**Not like a consultant's bazillion, but more than an academic.  Or I wouldn't work there.  But they'd be well-advised to hire me and pay well.  I'm a troubleshooter ("See trouble, shoot it") and would make a terrible peon ("See annoying manager, shoot it").

*** Today's post-nap monologue: "The pavement profiler chewed up the pavement and then the roller came by and smoothed out the asphalt!  The dump truck beeped!  The machine put down the gravel and the roller came and..."  Yes, he knows a LOT of truck words. (Bug was 2.5 at the time)

12 comments:

  1. "The Power of Play" might make you feel a little less angst. Child development research proves you're doing everything right by not having a ton of scheduled things, and Bug is developing quite well, as anyone can see. Having dinner ready-ish is important too, and I aspire to it every day. (Last week I totally bought a roasted chicken from the grocery store. I served it with boxed mashed potatoes and sweet corn. So, yeah. At least it's also become chicken and dumplings, and tonight, broth for carrot soup.)
    My house is in tornado-stage at the moment, I can't remember the last time I vacuumed, and I can't see the surface of my kitchen desk. I want to make chocolate beet muffins, mock apple crisp, apple sauce, tomato sauce, and chicken stock. Not to mention, I need to cut down/dig out 11 dead arborvitae, (they apparently need water in a drought) build some more raised beds, get a bunch of compost, and plant things in my backyard. *sigh* Not happening today, the cleaning and cooking needs to come first. Ah, yes, and the taking care of children...
    You're a great mom, your kids are lovely, and it's normal to have a messy house and feel angst.

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    1. Requesting book from library! See, you're great because Child 1 is older, so you already had this existential crisis a couple years ago. (I like your kids too, and they're very funny little critters.)

      I have a similarly long never-getting-done list. (I also have a garden pickaxe if you want to borrow it for the arborvitae.) Children: so high-maintenance.

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    2. Speaking of things that make you feel good about your parenting choices, I highly recommend listening to the Freakonomics podcast, "An Economist's guide to parenting" from 08/17/2011. It's not letting me paste the website for some reason, but I think you'll be able to find it.

      The arborvitae have quite shallow root systems, judging from some I've dug up already. Which might have clued me in that I should water them, when it didn't rain for 6 weeks. Ah, I never liked them anyway.

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  2. I also love your definition of troubleshooter, it reminds me of my husband :)

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    1. The sentiment is not original to me, but I'm glad to hear he's keeping up the side. :)

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  3. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation, sounds like. Maybe it's something you can do once the kids go to school or something?

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    1. I think part of it is the long-slow-motion effect of small children. Yes, in four more years Tatoe will be in kindergarten... but four years seems like forever at this point. Plus I'm imagining doing Age Three all over again (SHUDDER). One day, my children will be older and I will be able to do more. I'll just keep repeating that.

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  4. *Enfolds you in sympathetic embrace*
    I know loads of people don't agree with me, but I happen to think that taking care of the babies and keeping the baby laundry done, and cleaning up after meals = working 9-5. I.e., cleaning the entire house, making all the food = 50% your problem, 50% not your problem. That was our agreement when I was staying at home, anyway, and I think it's fair. Of course, I realize this may not be practically possible for you guys. If the spouse has an insane job then you can't divide all the labor, so maybe it's just a fantasy for most couples. (We live in a fantasy land of two flexible schedules.)

    I also agree vehemently, nay, PASSIONATELY, with the first commenter about you not needing no stinking Educational Time. Life is education enough, man. He will learn whatever else he needs by the time he needs it, through the power of wanting to on his own, or I will eat this entire bottle of Tums.

    All of which is just to say that you are doing everything right. As for the job situation, I can't help but think that if the spouse wants to be an academic and you want to be a housewife, then you being a consultant and him being a househusband sounds like a shitty deal for all. Which might end up feeling like a better deal than lingering forever in the current situation, but hey.

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    1. We always joked that scientists have a very flexible schedule: we can work whichever 60 hours a week we want.

      I think in effect we have that division of labor: I take care of food, children, laundry, and anything involving sewing, and Dr. S takes care of everything else. I guess I just FEEL like I should do more.

      There is a time limit: we are leaving next summer, come hell or high water, as it were. I mostly like housewifery, except for the... poverty...

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  5. Bah. It sucks that you're still stuck in the same situation a year later. We have a "similar but different" problem, yet I don't have any helpful suggestions... Your kids will be fine, I'm sure. On the job issue I agree with bunny. Fingers crossed for new opportunities opening up.

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    1. I'm under the impression that what (sane, decent, considerate) parents do and worry about makes much less of a difference than we might wish. Ah, well. And yes! A whole year and I feel EXACTLY THE SAME! I wouldn't wish away the children, but it is a little Groundhog Day around here.

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  6. I agree with all the others on the education thing. I had this time where I worried that my kids wouldn't learn to walk because I didn't have time to do that hold them by the hands and walk around thing all the parents of singletons were doing at the park (we do the swings pretty much only).
    But you know what, one has it figured out and the other is well on his way, because of the whole great desire to do things and our generation being the first who are obsessed with perfect parenting bit.

    On the job I commiserate, I have various options available to me in terms of part time, staying hme for a bit, etc but somehow I can't seem to decide which if any will make me happy. Damned if you do damned if you dont,

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