Friday, May 27, 2011

Added Functionality

Dear Universe,

Kindly direct your programmers to add the following features to:

1) Facebook: Ability to filter out everything my sister types that involves the words "Israel", "Holy Land", or "American Jews".

2) Phone: Ability to tune out and hear bad elevator music when talking to my sister (see above) yet still be presented with a choice of appropriate replies ("Really?", "Oh", "I see").

3) Life: Ability to not be annoyed by sister's a) constant, unquestioning, blind devotion to Israel's divine right to do whatever it wants, regardless of legality, morality, or international treaty; b) belief that anyone who questions Israel hates Jews and therefore wants her babies to die in terrorist attacks; c) perpetual view that all my problems in life would be ALL BETTER if only I would move to Israel. Because nothing is ever wrong there! And America sucks! (Literally: Over my dead body.)

Seriously, sometimes... actually, every time I talk to her, I want to never talk to her again.


  1. i've been thinking about this for almost 30 seconds, and i've concluded that your best option is a counter-attack: join (or make her believe you have joined, anyway) jews for jesus.

    step 2: record conversations

    step 3: profit.

  2. It's definitely a thought, but it might upset my mother.


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