I just love [French/Psychiatry/Science/Research]! I really want to go to grad school, because it will be wonderful to learn all about [thing] in that atmosphere of pure scholarship. And then I can be a professor!
And then I either roll around on the floor hysterically laughing, or am overcome by a strong desire to slap them.
Here's the thing about grad school: it does not exist for you, the student. It exists to extract usefulness from you, the student, and in return, you may receive some educational experiences. It is not a charity. It is only marginally a non-profit. Altrusim does not, generally, enter into the equation. (I know, I know, shocking.) For this reason and many others, grad school often cures one's abiding love of [thing].
If you are reading this and are thinking of leaving academia, be assured, there is nothing wrong with you. You need not feel guilty for "not loving it enough". If grad school were a relationship, it would usually be an abusive one.
A lot of people, including me, go to grad school from college because they have romantic visions of becoming professors. The rough facts are that in general, this will not happen. Overall odds for entering students in any discipline (including the sciences) are one in three for obtaining a tenure-track faculty job.* But this isn't about the odds. This is about how much it hurts to give up the dream.
When I started, I thought I loved science enough to overcome any obstacle. What I learned was that I didn't. Some of the nonsense would occur any profession; some was specific to academia; a great deal was a product of Snooty U's poisonous atmosphere, incompetent administration, and vague-to-nonexistent policies, also known as "The rules are what we say they are."
Like most grad students who leave academia, I thought there was something wrong with me. If only I worked hard enough, did enough, cared enough, surely I could make my dreams come true. And if I didn't want the dream any more, I must be lazy, incompetent, and an apathetic failure.
Next: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb.
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[I am leaving for Virginia tomorrow morning to visit: my mother, my father, my sister, the dog, my friend C, C's two daughters, my friend A, A's daughter, and anyone else who crosses my path. So, I shall have to leave you in suspense. See you the 12th!]
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*This is probably a little skewed in the sciences/math/engineering/etc because the job prospects outside academia are often quite appealing. So maybe a lot of scientists aren't looking for t-t jobs.
