Things I Will Not...

... tell my former advisor in response to his increasingly annoying shrill panicked urgent emails, regarding our poor little doomed manuscript from six months ago:

1. What... think I CARE?
2. S-the-grad-student can do whatever he darn well pleases.
   
3. If you take my name off the paper, will you stop asking me questions?
   
4. I no longer remember if I tried X, Y, or Z. Want my lab notebooks?*
5. Tell you what: you pay my salary and I'll answer your questions!
6. Die. Die. Die.

*My lab notebooks are completely incomprehensible. Even to me, at this point.

Except for a note from 2006 reading "PI Wears Chairman Mao Hat To Lab Meeting!!!"