Friday, October 31, 2008


'The only bad thing about Cold Utopia,' they said to us before we came, 'is that the traffic is really bad at rush hour.'

I was just out on the main road at 4:45 PM. It slowed down to 40 mph twice, for a total of maybe two miles. Ha, ha, ha.

Bad traffic is when you're driving back from a wedding on Long Island and it's 1 AM and they've decided to close all but one lane of the highway. The highway being I-95. Which then has a 15-mile backup.

Really bad traffic is when you stupidly leave somewhere in LA at 4 PM and spend the next two hours on a freeway full of people who want to kill you, still mysteriously barely moving, and then give up and try surface streets, and drive over an hour an a half worth of crazy full twisty little streets and then arrive home in complete frazzled exhaustion.

Insanely bad traffic is when, on the way back from your honeymoon, after ten hours of driving, you are a half-mile from the Tappan Zee Bridge when a pasta truck explodes, causing a fatal accident and closing the entire bridge both ways, and you sit there for four hours and only then do you get detoured 100 miles up a 2-lane road to Bear Frigging Mountain, which has a two-lane bridge handling all the traffic into and out of !@#$! Manhattan, and by the time you get home you're wondering if this whole marriage thing is going to work because you're about to KILL one another.

(All true.)