Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Just Like A Switch

I used to scoff at the idea of a biological clock that went DING and suddenly the young woman in question had an overwhelming desire for a squishy baby.

I am here to tell you that my timer has gone off.

A few months ago, I woke up one morning and said to Dr. S, 'I want a baby.'

'Now???' he asked.
'Yes. But... I'll wait a little longer. That whole PhD thing, so inconvenient.'
'Just... a little sudden... I need to sit down.'

(On a related note, rather in contrast to FCSGS, grad school has inspired me to a high degree of 'just knowing.' The other way is probably more rational. But I also woke up one day to the certainty that I was, after all, going to marry Dr. S. I think it's my subconscious hitting my conscious with a bat. Hello! Pay attention to your feelings here! THWACK.)

We talked about it a while. When is the right time to start trying? Aside from not now. Fatigue or nausea would not help me graduate. But after, I'm taking some time off. Should I find a job before attempting to cause a baby? Work there long enough to get leave? Find a job before I'm showing? What if they won't hire a pregnant woman? What if I want to work part time? What about insurance coverage? What if we don't know about Dr. S's fellowships until it's too late and.... what if what if what if.

And then the other day I realized, you know what? Screw it. There is, very emphatically, never a perfect time. If they won't hire a pregnant lady they can take the proverbial long jump off a short pier- conveniently located downtown. I have had it up to some point over my head with putting my life on hold for The Ideal Career Trajectory. The day I graduate... well, you know. Take that, patriarchy!