In-Laws, Relationships, Encore

Thank you all for your kind commentary. I and the in-laws do, in fact, have a lovely detente, or perhaps entente, in which we do, in fact, mostly talk about His Royal Munchkinousness.

Dr. S and I agree in practice about what we should do, but I think that in principle they should behave like the adults they are, and he thinks that we won't, and therefore we should make accomodations because he would like to see them, you know, sometimes. I think that long jumps and short piers.... well, you get the idea.

Dr. S is the one who gets almost all of their critical annoyingness; occasionally my MIL will say something and I usually say "That's nice." As Darcy says, the more irritating they are, the less we listen anyways. Alas, it makes it no less irritating.

C is another problem. We've known each other for fifteen years. I suppose in many ways our relationship has cooled over the years. I don't want to lose out on the friendship, but I'm struggling to learn what its new direction will be. If we could just get together and bake cookies once a week it would be much, much easier.

Enough depressingness!

Coming soon(ish): Why MDs Are Idiots (Like Everyone Else On Earth), Or, Drugs in Pregnancy, Again, Yes It IS My Favorite Soapbox.

In Which In-Laws Feature Prominently

When Dr. S and I were first married, my in-laws detested and disapproved of me. Now, we enjoy a quiet détente punctuated by irritation on my part. As far as I can tell, they are not capable of consistently behaving like adults.

They spend their money on toys and shiny new cars, and then complain that retirement has left them poor. (Their retirement income is over twice our income, and is, along with cheap health insurance, guaranteed by the state.) They act petty when thwarted; most recently, Dr. S's mother told him to not call, only email, because we weren't coming for Christmas. They offer to come here, and then are miffed when we expect them to actually do so. They tell Dr. S what to do, and are annoyed when he doesn't, because he's an adult and hasn't lived with them for 15 years, thank you very much. When the inconsistencies are pointed out to them- by Dr. S; I'm not getting involved- they are even more miffed.

My parents, by contrast, are perfect! No, not really. But capable of taking responsibility for their own actions. Also, although they very, very occasionally offer unsolicited advice, they don't expect me to follow it. And aside from my mother's recent foray into Insane Sarah Palin territory (what came OVER her???? my mother, not Palin), they vote Democrat.

Dr. S loves his parents. And they are, in addition to being annoying, kind, generous, loving people. As long as we stay away from politics (poor people are not 'all lazy'; people of color are not 'inherently different', at least not in the way they mean, and tax cuts for the wealthy are not 'sound economic policy') we can mostly get along.

My problem is, there is this underlay of... well, contempt... in my interactions with them. I don't trust them to respect our choices for our family. I think they behave like spoiled children on many occasions. On a very fundamental level, I don't respect them, and I don't respect their choices.

This is the same problem I've been having in my relationship with my friend C. How can you build an ongoing good relationship when the foundation is rotted away?

Happy Families Are All Alike

When I was angry and bitter, a couple years ago, I was a much more entertaining writer.

Family and home renovation and teething are not especially exciting, and my drive to complain has mainly dissipated. For example: I would like our tiling in the kitchen to be more even, but... too late. The Bug whispered "Go crib" to me last night after he nursed to sleep; it was adorable.

I think about working. I think about science. I miss having the opportunity to, occasionally, tell someone off in a thorough, professional, and unmistakable manner. I have no intention of going back to work. One day, when we finish refinishing the damn trim in our whole damn house, I think I will start a business. Really. Probably sewing.

Of course, given the aimlessness, I might just think about having another baby instead. Because a baby is like a business, right? RIGHT?

Philosophies

In science, it helps to have a general Theory Of Everything to guide one's experiments and reading. Of course, the MODEL OF EVERYTHING responds to variables, new data, and other information by changing.

I've been flipping through a few books on sleep (the Bug has been waking-up-screaming for N months, where N=(our patience+2)). And books on parenting, because they're next to the trains at the library. They are annoying. (The sleeping is getting better.)

The reasons for my annoyance go something like this:

1) If you have a sweeping scientific theory, generally one counterexample is sufficient to upset it. Example: "All Cretans are liars." If one meets a truthful Cretan, it must be amended to "Most Cretans are liars."

2) These parenting books espouse theories that, clearly, have counterexamples. Example: "If your almost-two-year-old is still nursing, he will NEVER EVER go to sleep without nursing and you must wean him from this awful habit immediately."

3) I keep meeting people who espouse theories to the exclusion of dealing with the real world. If your 3-year-old child is throwing a tantrum at the top of the stairs, now is not the time for a discussion of Injuries Requiring Hospitalization. Now is the time to move the child. Likewise, if you are all about reinforcing the positive, if your child is reaching into a moving fan, or sticking a coat hanger into an outlet, now is the time to say NO NO NO.

4) Unified, Universally Applicable Theories of Parenting must, logically, be predicated on a predictable and consistent response to stimuli across children. One's response to Behaviour Category X can be consistent. Children are not consistent.

The book I liked the best so far- although all of its sleep suggestions were utterly useless with Bug- was that No-Cry series, because it has a set of behaviours and then a set of things you can try, rather than a One Size Fixes All. On the other hand... it was useless.

I think I should stop reading parenting books.

Students, Read And Learn

Pursuant to a bazillion other blog posts about student emails that begin, "Dear Mrs. Professor, I would like you to give me a pony and a spot in your lab":

I just received a polite, appropriate email from a student at my former college!!

Admittedly, Student's questions were a bit vague, but beginning "Dear Dr. Scientist" and continuing with specific requests such as "I am applying for Bicycle Manager at Bicycles R Us in Cold City", "I would appreciate any advice you might have about their interview process" and "If you have the time, I would like to hear about your experiences there" is much more effective.

I suggested that Student formulate a more specific list about the company and call me next week, told him three things that would be good to emphasize in the interview, and summarized the noncompete agreement. Virtue rewarded.