Ain't No Sunshine

Dear Readers! It appears that I am becoming depressed.

Part of this is from a difficult relationship patch with an old friend. (All snooze off here.) Her husband is getting a PhD in History of Lost Atlantis, they are fantastically in debt, and he cherishes the notion that he will magically get a faculty job upon graduation, which will happen in a magical 5 years. They are on food stamps and Medicaid. (Also, Medicaid is NOT the path to getting good healthcare. No. Really not.) She is very controlling about her 3-year-old's eating ("Never try to teach a pig to sing") and her 8-month-old has dropped to the 2nd percentile in weight.

I am a judgmental bitch about all of this. And contempt does not make for good friendships.

The whole "magical faculty job" thing... really pisses me off. It's like those new grad students, who are convinced that they will get that experiment to work; you know, the one 200 other people have tried before, but this student! This student will just work harder! This student wants it more! I know this is partly a naive sort of magical thinking, but the rest is scorn and idiocy. Because everyone who didn't get what they wanted? It's because they didn't want it enough! You can graduate in 5 years if ONLY YOU WORK HARD ENOUGH!* Everyone who didn't get a faculty job (70% of PhDs, if you're counting) was a lazy, stupid bum. (Or... wanted to be paid fantastically well in industry, or hates academia, or didn't want to live in fucking BEIRUT.)

My dear, darling child appears to be having some strong Bug feelings; specifically, all bloody night. Also all day. And the hitting! Forever with the hitting.** This doesn't help.

I probably need to exercise, but I'm too tired. I probably need to make more friends here, but I'm too tired. I probably need to sleep more, but I need to exercise, so I can sleep. I probably need to go take a shower now.

No advice please, I know what I need to do. I am merely filled with angst and depression. Thank you. We're here all week.


*NO. No, you can't.

**I take his arms in my hands, and kneel down and say "No, Bug, no hitting, gentle", and then I stroke his arm gently. EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME. So mostly he just keeps hitting me, but this evening he walked over to me afterwards to gently stroke my leg. It was... kind of sweet.

Losing It Less

And now for a good night's sleep! Sedatives, here I come.

Losing It

I don't know if it's the heat, or the squirmy-grabby-hands ALL DAY LONG, or the 3 hours/night of nursing, but I have reached the end of my rope and am dangling out over the stream.

Er...

I had something to say, but I forgot it.

The house is coming along. One day, I will show you a picture.

I had our first guest over yesterday. She's someone I want to be friends with, but am not sure if we are. But we occasionally get together.

I miss my friends.

My spouse and I, I think, need to re-negotiate the parameters of our relationship. The power dynamic has changed now that I'm home. This isn't a bad thing, or anyone's fault, and we're not headed for a divorce lawyer or anything. Dr. S is very respectful of my needs and desires and whose name is on the paycheck has nothing to do with how we spend it. But, undeniably, it is different now.

Pressing Questions

1. Is this thing on?
2. Will my child ever stop boob-napping?
3. Will we ever get the kitchen painted?
4. Are all the EARWIGS dead?
   
5. Do I love this rug enough to buy it?
6. Will my child then ruin it?
7. Do I care?
   
8. Is now a good time to have another child?
9. Or maybe... next summer?
10. Why am I pretending that a) this event is under my control or b) that next year will result in less chaos?
11. Will having another kid remove, prematurely, too much of my maternal attentions from this one?
12. Why does he wake up from naps so WRATHFUL???
13. Will my spousal unit ever get an academic job?
14. Why on earth does he want one?*

*I know the answer to this one, at least.